the NEXT big thing

winter gets me down.

don't get me wrong. the winters down here are way mild compared to those of new england. daytime lows rarely drop below 40, and in the sun it can still be downright balmy. but it's definitely winter. and winter gets me down.

which starts the chain of thoughts that leads to my non-traditional lifestyle. namely, long distance self-propelled travelling.

john and i moved to asheville with the intention of escaping the northern climes of our youths, enjoying the community of a hippie town, and putting down temporary roots while we planned our next adventure; plans are in the works. i hesitate to write them down, because, notoriously plans change, especially when they are as far off as these, but they are so exciting, and writing them makes them feel more real.

the short-hand version is "PCT 2012." gotta get it in before the world ends, obviously. the longer version is more exciting, tho. our goal currently is to leave asheville early (possibly as early as Jan 1) 2012, and head south by bicycle, escaping the cold mountains for the beaches of south carolina, georgia, and florida. travel all the way to key west (the southernmost city in all the continental US), and then make our way (by bicycle, of course) across the southern portions of this country to SoCal, probably closely tracing the route mapped by adventure cycling. all told, we should arrive in Cali with comfortable time enough to ship our bikes up to BC and make our lives once again about walking.

of course when we finish the PCT we plan to continue travelling, but where exactly and to what end is not allowed to be on the radar yet. that's just too far off. but with skill and forethought we're hoping to make this next trip last upwards of 2 years, ideally even longer.

so the question becomes: can we convince ourselves to stay put for that long? 2 years is longer than i've lived in any one home since moving out of my parents house at the start of college nearly 8 years ago (actually i believe the current record is held by a dover, nh apartment at 15 months), and i'm obviously already feeling the itch, considering how much planning i find myself doing for a trip that's supposedly 24 months away. lately my average seems to be about 6 months in one place or doing one thing, which will only get me a quarter of the way there.

anyway that's our current plan for the next big thing. assuming we can wait that long.

i've got a bike you can ride it if you like

first order of business upon arrival to asheville: finding adequate modes of transportation. john and i both vowed, somewhat coinciding with the time line of our at hikes, not to own cars anymore. this worked out fine for me living in boston, and fine for him living in new york, but the rest of the world is hardly so self-propelled/public transit friendly.

living in boston, everything i could conceivably need was within easy walking or bus/train riding distance. my mile walk to and from work passed a grocery store, the laundromat was around the corner, as were all manner of restaurants, and let's face it, there wasn't much else i wanted. there were many a time i took 2 hr walks to get to a luncheon date, enjoyed a meal, and walked the 2 hrs back home--but this was for pleasure, not ever out of necessity. after walking for 8+ hrs/day for 6 months straight, walking for the better part of a day doesn't feel like a waste of time.

moving to asheville sight unseen was risky, given my commitment to not owning a car. that, and the fact that i didn't own a bike or any other means of transportation other than my shoes (which were brand new thanks to an awesome return policy from patagonia!). but, with some generous help from chaco and wak, john and i were both able to procure cheap old 10-speeds at reasonable prices. my bike is a red schwinn world, with a white water bottle cage and white handlebar tape. it looks pretty awesome.

biking in asheville is moderately challenging, because it's so mountainous, and there are a few places that are less than convenient to get to (i'm thinking of crossing the french broad to get over to west asheville, specifically), but generally speaking it is a very manageable town. so far my coveting of 4 wheeled rapid transport is mostly connected to my coveting of freecycle furniture that requests "must be picked up today." biking up to the real mountains for a hiking trip is also self limiting: by the time you get reasonably out of town you've already climbed over 2000 feet, and you're downright exhausted. this is, in part, a result of the quality of our bikes. but it also means we don't have to travel far for bicycle based entertainment: a 7 mile climb out of town means a 7 mile descent back down.

when it began, choosing to be self propelled meant having less impact on the world. i'm finding, tho, even more important, it is a way for me to remain present in my life. it's hard to remember that the journey is the destination when you're trapped inside a car, zooming to a destination, or stuck cursing in traffic, separated from the rest of the world; travel becomes only the means to an end. being forced to ride a bike to get anywhere (everywhere) reminds me daily that it's important to slow down and appreciate all the moments, because they are ALL part of life. and no matter how grumpy i am when i wake up in the morning and have to go to work (and believe me, i can be a grumpy ass grump in the morning) by the time i get to the hospital, after 15 minutes of pedaling hard and wind in my face, i couldn't feel better. rainy days included.

southern living

it's been a long time since i've posted on this blog, and recent updates in blogosphere (namely maury's blog resurrection) caused me sufficient blog envy as to push me back into blogging mode. there are a lot of things i've been meaning to catalog, and for as many things to write i've had as many excuses.

turns out excuses are lame. so i'm writing again!

first and foremost, i've moved to the south. and i'm not talking connecticut, it's technically new england but not really, "south." i'm not even talking delaware, the state no one (except my great-aunt, apparently, and john's parents' beach house) actually lives, "south." i'm talking several states south of the mason dixon line, south. i'm talking, if someone passes you in the street and you make eye contact get ready for a half hour conversation, south. i'm talking grits loving, barbeque loving, tempeh loving south.

wait... did i just say "tempeh loving south"? OH, yeah, that's right, i moved to asheville: hippie capital of the south east.

asheville is beautiful. for those of you who don't know, it's up in the mountains of western north carolina (wnc), about 40 miles north east of the great smokey mountains national park. it's far enough south that it doesn't suffer from debilitating winters that last 6 months, but high enough in the mountains that it still boasts beautiful fall foliage and occasional snow storms (that melt the same day). but don't let that fool you. i didn't move here for the weather... (or did i?)

asheville is one of the most progressive towns in the south. many of it's 70,000 inhabitants are transplants from around the country, drawn to the open, free spirit and insane amounts of street musicians. oh, and did i mention vegan food? yeah, they have that here. lots of it.

asheville is the kind of town that felt like home as soon as i arrived, which is impressive for a native new englander in a southern town. don't get me wrong, the southern stereotype is alive and strong in the surrounding communities (i come into contact with them a great deal at work), and no doubt this is the buckle of the bible belt, but people don't look at me funny if i'm wearing my patch pants walking around town, or question that i don't own a car and ride my bike everywhere for transportation, and dug up my whole back yard to make a vegetable garden, and *gasp* don't eat animal products. who wouldn't love a town that has a drum circle downtown every friday night, a bike recyclery where you can get free help and advice on fixing your bike, and unbelievably cheap parts (both new and used), a local whole foods type grocery store that sells bulk tofu for $1.79/lb, a thriving artists community and downtown art scene, and street musicians on every corner? well, i'm sure there are people who wouldn't love that, but i do!

so i'm settling up for a while. two years of travelling and living with one foot out the door is enough for a while.* besides, i'm out of dough. time to re-try my had at the domesticated arts and nesting.

*this is my current opinion and is subject to change without notice

journey's end

to fill in the final details:

the evening in johnson was filled with an open mic concert out in the town park, complete with a town drunkard's rendition of "rockin' robin" and highschool death metal garage band.

we hitched in the dark back out to the trail, and walked up a road about a mile to prospect rock, which apparently was a cool spot to the locals, since there were "no camping" and "no partying" signs up everywhere, tho honestly i was nonplussed. we camped there, because it was late and it was going to rain.

eventually we made it to the road crossing for eden, vt, which is a town made of a general store and a highway. there is an rv campground not far up the road, that let us set up a tent, take showers, and do laundry all for a total of $20, which is pretty good. the owner was a very nice woman who just happened to be a little crazy, also. she gave us a ride back to the trail the next morning, and was very firm in letting us know that we were about to hike the MOST difficult part of the entire long trail (the 10 miles between eden and hazen's notch, over belvidere mtn), and that we should be aware that it would take us no less than 2 full days, and that should we find it too hard we could take this or this blue blaze to a road with people where we could call her and she would come pick us up. oh, and also, if it rained she wouldn't let us leave her campground.

so we crossed our fingers that it wouldn't rain, since obviously we didnt want to have that argument, and made it to hazen's notch by 1pm the next day (after about 4 hrs of hiking). perhaps because of her goading, or perhaps because we were just ready for real showers and cotton clothes, we decided the last 30 miles, which we planned to hike in 3 days, were definitely going to be a 2 day hike.

and so on saturday we embarked on an 18 mile sprint to the finish, up and over jay peak (which may have actually been the hardest climb on the whole long trail), where we unexpectedly encountered bathrooms with running water and had a washing and drying party of unsurpassed awesomeness. and after hauling through several 3+mph miles, at less than 1/4 mile from the finish, on a slab of algae coverered wet rock, in downpouring rain, my feet decided they didn't want to be under me anymore and the next thing i knew my head had collided with something that was decidedly not air. john was terrified, i didn't really know what had happened, but apparently i was bleeding from my head (just above my left eye) and my hip was pretty messed up as well.

so after getting cleaned up, i hobbled to the finish, we took some mediocre 'summit' photos, and then limped the last .6mi to journey's end camp, where we cooked dinner and went to bed.

then what should have been an epic hitch-hiking journey began, but instead, we got a first car hitch with another hiker back to his car (about 20 miles south on the trail in hazen's notch), and he drove us nearly the entire length of the state of vermont back south to bennington.

and then we got a 3rd car hitch to my parent's house and now i'm getting kicked off the computer.

but we're home and neither of us are dead! hurrah!

johnson, vt

two town days in a row. awesome.

so we managed to delay hiking until about 530 last night, and then walked 3.4 miles to a pond on top of the smuggler's notch ski mountain...which was awesome. then we explored the warming hut .1mi away, to find it filled with garbage and totally disgusting (although someone did bring a large amount of rope and hang a couch from the ceiling...that was interesting). so we decided to cowboy out on the top of the ski hill, and had only been settled in for, maybe, 10 minutes, when i thought i saw lightening out of the corner of my eye...we all know how i feel about that.

so i stared at the horizon for 15 minutes or so, and saw nothing, gave up and decided to get back to getting to sleep, when john thought HE saw lightning. so then we BOTH stared at the horizon until we were able to confirm that neither of us was crazy, and we both saw lighening at the same time. and then we packed up our stuff and night hiked to the .3 miles to the nearest shelter, which was a fee site ($5 each). sort of a bummer, especially considering it didn't rain at all overnight, and we had to shell out $10 to sleep on the floor of a pretty crummy shelter, listen to mice eat the caretaker's food, and the section hiker's snoring.

oh, but then the caretaker said he would make us pancakes for breakfast as a special thru-hiker trail magic treat...which he did, but we had to wait around for nearly an hour for him to wake up (which was a bummer, given our desire to start hiking early and beat the heat), and then add to that, they were probably the grossest pancakes ever created and consumed by a human being (i venture to guess...i imagine if ever worse pancakes were created, they were most certainly not consumed but rather turned into trash or compost as they rightfully deserved to be).

in any event, we managed to climb the two small mountains in our way and make it down to johnson, vt, where we have so far spent about 2 hrs trying desperately to avoid the heat and eat food. guess how hot!? keep in mind, this is vermont, and practically canada:

94

yup. that's only 4 degrees colder than blue ridge parkway death heat.

on the plus side, tuesday is apparently the coolest day ever to be in johnson, because there is a farmer's market at 4, then a free open mic concert at 630, then bluegrass at the local pub/pizzeria in the evening.

oh, and we're only 50 miles from canada.

stowe, vt

it's been hot. not quite death heat hot, but hot, none-the-less.

we walked for a couple days over the tallest mountain in vermont, also known as mt. mansfield, and the home of stowe ski resort. pretty awesome day for it, sunny, clear, warm, etc, but the haze was so bad we couldn't even see back the 30 miles or whatever it was to camels hump, where we had been only a couple days earlier. supposedly we should have been able to see all the way to canada from there.

so last night we slept at the picnic area just down the hill from smuggler's notch, and are now spending the day in stowe, vt, where everything is overpriced and touristy. things are so overpriced, in fact, that we're NOT going to ride the alpine slides. at $20 each a ride, it stops being awesome and starts being a total rip-off.

i bought a sweet pair of socks to put on my pack shoulder straps to protect my bare shoulders from the abrasive heat induced pain they've been suffering. that's a picture of them there, with the bear. and i think our plan is to hike out of town tonight after dark, to avoid the heat of the day. something like 3ish miles up to sterling pond shelter. maybe spend the rest of the day today avoiding the heat in a movie theater...we already had thai food, which was my main town objective.

one week left til canada.

waterbury, vt

back on the trail again. we hiked over camels hump yesterday, which was a pretty awesome climb to an amazing 360 degree view of the green mountains. the hike down was LOOOOONG (we just passed the lowest point on the entire LT at 36o ish ft at the winooski river). tomorrow, or perhaps the next day, we pass the highest point on the entire trail, mt mansfield, which apparently is shaped like a face, and the peaks of it are so named (the forehead, the chin, the nose, the adams apple).

today we are in waterbury, where we will eat thai food, resupply, do laundry, and look like bums. we officially have less than 100 miles to go, and current plans put us in canada around the 23rd or 24th of this month. that's 10 days from now, and an average of 10mpd. awesome.

saranac lake, ny

detour!!

so long trail fest was pretty awesome, complete with homemade oversized slip'n'slide and gelatin off ramp, and some psycho threatening to kill everyone with a pick ax and burn down all our tents...

so this guy's a total creep, camping right next to us, giving everybody scary looks and not capable of normal conversation, yet wearing a gmc polo with gmc patches and at patches etc, supposedly a ridge runner somewhere, and right outside his tent is parked a giant pick ax. and then later that night this thru-hiker from french canadia named julien decided in his drunken state that it would be a good idea to jump over this guy's tent. ok so he does successfully jump the tent, but not without knocking the cross pole with his foot and clearly distrubing the crazy dude resting inside. so the crazy dude climbs out of his tent, grabs his pick ax, wields it like a weapon, and says, 'who f*cked with my tent?!' serveral times in a row, then threatens to kill whoever f*cked with his tent, then threatens to burn down all our tents if we don't tell him who f*cked with his tent. so lumpy gets up and trys to mellow the guy down, and then a crowd of guys get up and sort of surround him and try to talk him down, then john trys to lead him over to the check point where the event organizer is hanging out, and as soon as he turns his back on the dude he raises his ax again like he's about to swing it into john's back. so needless to say the crowd of guys around him quickly (and quite impressively i might add) remove the ax from him and pin him on the ground.

long story short, he was eventually escorted to the twelve tribes for the night, not allowed back to the party the next day, but instead layed down outside the entrance ALL day 'waiting for his boss' to show up, who apparently fired him, and then somehow got a ride back to some place in connecticut. apparently also, he's some kind of witch and none of this would have happened if he'd 'had his crystals with him' (this is rumor coming from when he stayed at 12 tribes).

but slip'n'slide was awesome, and so was the rest of the festival, and then neon and cc showed up and we chilled, and then they drove us to the adirondacks where we spent a zero hiking 15 miles over the tallest mtn in new york (mt. marcey) and along avalanche lake through avalanche pass, which was totally amazing (the peak sucked, but only bc we were stuck in a cloud).

important info: slip'n'slide is a serious ab work out (who knew?) and all of our abs are incredibly sore, which is trouble when you're hanging out with three of your best friends, because you can't actually laugh without discomfort.

tonight i believe the plan is to head back to vermont, camp by clarendon gorge, (which we bypassed on our hike this year due to laziness and convenience) and then go to some apparently amazing pancake place, where i will be dearly tempted from my veganism with 'the best pancakes on earth.'

and then, swear to god. i'm actually gonna start hiking towards canada again.

waitsfield, vt

so a lot's happened:

we went to the bromely thrill zone, where i totally crushed the alpine slides. we only rode once, due to cost, but also due to impending thunderstorms for which they kept shutting down the lift. then we walked up the ski trail to the top of bromley and played around on the ski lifts, ate some left-overs from the green mountain house and then watched the sunset from the lookout tower.

we walked from there to big branch shelter the next day, which is the same hike i did a year prior, only this time without the rain and impending death and doom. no trudging through ankle deep standing water, or walking over a ridge with lightening crashing all around. needless to say, this time was much nicer. on the way, at peru peak shelter, we ran into sam and darcey, aka swami and duckfeet, with whom john hiked last year, who are now working for the GMC leading trail maintenance crews.

we camped right by the river that night, and here's the crazy story from that: so chance apparently has been practicing swinging some stress balls around on string with he intention of 'eventually lighting them on fire.' so obviously we just convinced him that that night was the eventually he had been waiting for (even though he'd only been working on it for 3 days and still frequently hit himself wih them). so we soaked the balls in white gas and waited for darkness, then had him swing them around while standing on a rock in the river. that was fun, but ended pretty quick, after the strings got tangled and one of them was burned through. the fireball flung straight up, and landed on the rock and rolled into the river, so luckily there were no casualties.

eventually we landed in rutland, and stayed at the twelve tribes hostel, which was fun, but only for a night. i got a creepy 'women are slaves' vibe from them, and also, they actually make you work for your work for stay, which is not so great for the relaxation part of a zero. the highlights of the rutland series of zeroes include: long trail brewery, thai star, pico peak alpine slides, meeting a thru-hiker's town girl who drove up from palmerton and turns out went to the same college and graduated the same class as john.

and then we were no longer on the AT.

and to make a long story short: we accidentally took a blue blaze off of breadloaf mountain, and didn't realize it til we'd already walked nearly 2 miles down, when we were supposed to be up on the ridge. needless to say we had to truncate that day, which ended in us staying with bobcat (AT '07) here in waitsfield. she put up last night and now tonight, and today slacked us between lincoln gap and appalachian gap, only 11 miles, but not a very easy walk. the stretch goes over sugarbush and mad river glen ski resorts, which are the 5 or so peaks of lincoln mtn, and gen. stark mtn., respectively.

tomorrow will see us to burlington for a day, and then down to rutland (again) for the start of the long trail festival. secret surprise in store for those making the trek!! can't wait!!

manchester center, vt

so about an hour after my last post from bennington, johnny and i were hanging out in the outfitter in bennington, waiting for a bike to return to go grocery shopping, when chance walks in and says, 'you guys wanna go get a beer at the brew pub while i wait for my bus?' of course, we do. and on the way there, chance explains his need for the bus:

giant trail magic party up in manchester (a $2 bus ride from bennington, the next trail town north) being thrown by rainman and ahab, both of whom johnny had done trail magic for before in the south. as we're walking, john says to me, 'don't let me get on the bus to manchester,' to which i reply, 'why not?? what do we have stopping us'

fast forward 2 hrs, and we're sitting in the back of an enterprise rent-a-van with 20 other hikers on our way to rainman's parents' house, were a party 40 strong (it had been 60 the night before) was playing croquet, cooking absurd amounts of food, and watching movies such as life of brian, home alone, superbad, super troopers, etc.

and so, instead of a town day in bennington, we spent a town day in bennington and manchester. and seeing as we were already in a trail town, instead of riding back to bennington to hike back to manchester, we just got right on trail and hiked south. yes, that's right, i hiked south.

we blue-blazed out of town to prospect rock (on a trail i learned about last year from zack and mike from connecticut), and then went swimming in stratton pond before camping for the night. the next day, up and over stratton mtn, birthplace of the AT, where once again i was inside a cloud; the day did clear up tho, and ended up being really beautiful, which was good since we walked over 18 miles! (in one day...we're supposed to be taking our time!!) to goddard shelter. we met a sweet southbounder named ledge that day, who had spent the previous year bicycling over 20,000 miles, and had arrived at big k via bicycle, and was planning on returning to ontario by bicycle after he arrived at springer. he's an ecologist from ohio state who is currently on sabbatical and thinks he might just never go back to working... OH, and, he is old friends with wasabi, wookie's best friend from home who started the hike with him. so when we made it to bennington we had beers with him, lost rob (who was famous for being lost for 4 days with no food or water in the okefenokee swamp back in 2008), and a weekend hiker who gave us a ride back into town, then caught the bus back to manchester.

we spent last night at the green mountain house, the hostel in manchester that opened last year, and we're planning on spending our day today at the bromley thrill zone before hiking out to the top of bromley mountain, and saying at the warming hut. check it out! they have zip lines, alpine slides, a water slide (the longest in vermont), mini-golf, a giant swing, and a trampoline thing! hiking is my favorite!

bennington, vt

it may only be our second day on the actual long trail, but you can never have too many town days...

our first night out we cowboyed on top of mt greylock, woke up with the sun and the dew falling around 5am, and made it to the williamstown stop & shop before 9am. that afternoon, set up camp in the rain, only to discover this monster of a tent we are carrying is too large to fit on a standard wooden tent platform. it rained all night our second night out, ensuring that the vermont/mass border would be as muddy as we remembered it.

it was. a giant mud pit surrounded by and filled with rocks. vermont, some things never change.

we are now in bennington, our first official town day on the long trail (yes, only one day in...) staying with chris and arla, trail angels who open their house and barn for hikers to stay and chill.

oh, and fyi, long trail festival in rutland, be there or be square.

the beginning of the long trail

circumstances being what they may, i have not updated my blog in ages. here's a quick recap of the last 2 months of my life:

• got diagnosed with mono while staying with a friend in orange county, ca
• flew home that night on the red-eye to boston
• stayed in bed at my parent's house for nearly a month
• got tonsilitis so bad i couldn't eat
• got liver inflammation that gave me jaundice and misery
• fell in love
• spent a week in nyc
• found out delaware really exists
• sobo'd the the monadnock-sunapee greenway trail in nearly constant rain
• spent some time with my 95 year old gramma
• acquired a monster blister at the most rediculous italian wedding ever
• served hotcake to a funk of thru-hikers at tom lovardi's in dalton

and that just about puts me to here. johnny thunder and i are leaving today from cheshire, mass to hike up and over greylock as the official beginning of our long trail thru-hike, which will hopefully take 5 weeks and no less (which is a LONG time to hike 300 miles). wish us luck!

los angeles, ca

well, now that arizona is behind me...

some highlights:

• wind that melts your skin
• "enjoy the cool weather" and "it's really not that bad out there today" re: 90 degree days
  
• 'misters' spraying water over outside patio seating...in a desert...
• getting accepted to volunteer at dandelion farm
• last minute cancellation of ALL plans
• it's my bike in a box!
• NOT buying new clothes (i'm so awesome)
  
• migraine headache that had me passed out on the bathroom floor for hours
• gender stereotypes and new state mottos
  
• 1am train with migraine hangover to LA

i arrived in LA at around 9am after (mostly) sleeping off the remainder of the migraine on the train. then i ordered some maps to be delivered to tyler's place (pronto!), half-assedly put the bike back together, then took it back apart to put it in tyler's car, dropped it off at a bike shop to have it tuned up once again, and bought myself some soymilk, bananas, and a mango. i'm pretty sure the best ever cure for hypotonic dehydration is banana mango mash with a glass of soy milk. oh, also, it's delicious.

so i'm in LA for the weekend, mostly on my own, since unfortunatly tyler is hosting his mom and they're going to be in palm springs until monday. my bike won't be ready to go until monday evening, and tho there's a chance my maps will be here tomorrow it's far more likely not til tuesday am, so best case scenario i'll be riding north starting the 26th. apparently, there's a constant headwind riding north up the california coast. that sounds awesome.

taking it easy

my bike made it all the way to arizona

that's one bad ass bike.

albuquerque, nm

the bike ride to damascus from maury's ended up being 108 miles, which was awesome, especially considering i didn't have any weight (well, nearly) on the bike. maury carted all my stuff to trail days in the jeep. i thought initially that west virginia won, what with the rail trails and pretty scenery, but i've since determined that my favorite days are based on weather and not really anything else. virginia was my favorite biking. it is such beautiful country, and so nostalgic. and the 70 degree, sunny days don't hurt, either.

trail days came and went, and sunday morning at 8am maury and i left damascus in her jeep to make the long trek out to phoenix. we pulled into albuquerque this afternoon around 5ish (mountain time) after two LOOOOONG days on the road (yesterday we drove for a combined total of 16 hrs! to oklahoma city). with few exceptions (california at the age of 3, san francisco for a day with the parents back in highschool, and hawaii for 5 days) this is by far the farthest west i've ever been in this country, and most certainly the first time i've really felt like i got to experience it at all.

i went for a walk with aaron and the dogs in the mesa, surrounded, of course, by enormous death clouds of doom. aaron didn't know about my acquired lightning phobia, so we had a conversation that went like this:

"are we going to be murdered by lightning?" asks jess
"hopefully" replies aaron

groom, tx

a spiritual experience you'll never forget

mississippi river crossing

it's a long drive from virginia to oklahoma city. this is just one of the many exciting things you may be able to experience along the way.

virginia!!!!

this is the top of potts mtn. which was a pretty big climb, but more importantly, it was a HUGE descent. so so so much fun.

i'm in christiansburg with maury. tomorrow i'm hopefully riding to damascus. and that's it...wow.

thinking about tagging along with maury out to pheonix arizona... because why not!?

finally, a computer!

i feel like for some reason i've been computer deprived lately...

anyway, rode the rest of the greenbrier river trail to lewisburg, wv, today. now i'm at robin's house, where she showed me around town (which is very cute, and pretty progressive for west virginia) and finally got my ipod charged up and uploaded some photos.

turns out i didn't exactly regret the cowboy camping as much as not do it. i woke up at 2:30am to rain on my face (it had just started, and i'm pretty good at waking up when that happens) so i just got up real quick, set up my skeleton tent (just the fly and footprint) and then went right back to bed. it kept raining until about 9:15, when i decided to finally wake up, and just sort of spat at me for the rest of the day.
the trail is very pretty, i would totally recommend it to anyone. a couple of tunnels that make for interesting journey, since they are unlit, and you cannot see the ground when you ride through them.

virginia tomorrow! wooooo!

the cheat...is to the limit

on schedule to be at maury's on the 12th, which is tuesday.

bert played 'quickens' over two triple word scores, fyi.

at the campus of wvu, which is in morgantown, there is a P(ersonal) R(apid) T(ransport) system, which apparently is some kind of big deal. it just looks like an old, run down above ground subway to me.

bert also told me that mother's day was invented in west virginia, which i called bullshit. then on friday when i left his place i rode past the house of the woman who apparently loved her mom so much she invented a holiday for her. so it turns out it wasn't bull.

i also got my bike tuned up in morgantown, needed new brake pads and a good cleaning after all the rain i've been hitting. they told me the spring on my rear derailer was old/getting loose, would need to replace it soon.

then i got to philippi, where there is an old club called "club hot wv" that looks run down, i dont think it's ever open anymore. and apparently philippi is the site of the first land battle of the civil war. i dunno if that's really somethign to boast about, but that's the town's claim to fame.

i stayed with trevor, we made some awesome bread and pasta. i ate ramps for the first time, which i was really excited about, and had some mountaineer nut brown ale, which is a local west virginia beer, and quite good i might add.

trevor helped me work out my route from philippe to elkins, whcih was actually a lot of work, given it's only about 30 miles away. there's a huge mtn in the way, called laurel mtn, and the only easy way past it is on a major 4 lane highway. i ended up climbing over the mtn on a partially dirt road through 'pleasure valley' (why it was called this i have no idea) and then riding a rail trail the last 12 miles or so into town, where i met gibson.

gibson and i went up into some tiny town and watched the hot seats (formerly known as special ed and the short bus), an awesome bluegrass band, at the fiddlehead.

also, best meal ever: whole wheat tortilla, dark chocolate peanut butter, honey, raisins, all rolled up. YUM

i left pretty early this am, around 9:40 (yes, for me that's early), and again had a huge mtn to ride over (cheat mtn), to get to the greenbriar river valley and out of the tygert river valley. i got passed by a motorcyclist who honked and very adimately gave me a thumbs up.
it was a LONG steady climb, but an awesome day for it, sunny, pretty still, 70ish degrees, and then i rode the rest of the day al ong the valley, first on a road that just winds along the side of back mtn, and then along the greenbriar river rail trail,
which, as anticipated, has been the entire trip's highlight. got a flat about 10 miles from my final stopping spot, but i fixed that w/out a hitch using my compressed co2 for the first time, then set up camp at one of the trail side campsites. made a fire (which i didn't intend to do, but there was all this firewood already here, so i felt obligated) and then cowboy camping. hopefully i don't regret the lack of tent, but i think it's gonna be a really nice night.

west virginia

bert got a single word score of 293 playing scrabble last night.

oh, and i'm in west virginia. be in virginia in a couple few days. woo

worst. ride. ever.

1. it was 82 miles (about 20 more than i was expecting)
2. i got a late start
3. i got lost on my way out of altoona, and ended up wasting at least a half hour and 5 miles
4. i got lost again looking for old rt. 22 in gallitzin, and wasted another half hour and 5 miles
5. it was cold and cloudy and off and on spitting rain all day
6. i was (of my own fault, bad planning) riding on a us highway that was 4 lane divided, but not illegal to ride on, for a good distance
7. to avoid this highway, i ended up taking back roads that went straight up and over several mountains
8. i didn't get in until nearly 8pm

but then i had a shower and burritos and played scrabble. i'm so exhausted. better riding tomorrow, with any luck!

altoona, pa

it rained all day. this picture was taken in arch spring, pa, in the sinking valley. really pretty farm land all day, tho it would certainly have been nicer without the constant rain. at the least, i had a tail wind, so i wasn't completely miserable trying to climb my way out of the sinking valley over brush mtn.

i spent the last couple of days with neon in state college, pa, mostly just hanging out, checking out the town. her parents took me out to dinner on sunday night, while she was working, and i had some great homemade (restaurant made?) spinach pasta. i'm in the altoona public library now, checking out my routes, uploading pictures, drying out, and waiting for my cs host to arrive home from work. trail days is fast approaching. and i'm still having fun, despite the rain. wooo!

pennsylvania smells like poop

of the horse, cow, pig, chicken variety. i wonder why...?

and that's a horse drawn buggy in the second picture. those crazy amish.

i found religion

thou shalt not spike in thy neighbors court

magic hat

number 9. way to be awesome. i like learning to drink beer.

i'm in lewisburg, pa at the moment, drinkin' a beer, hanging out, listening to swan lake. just wanted to post quick and mention that for some reason google maps is limiting the number of items it will display on one page, so my map now only shows my two most recent stops, BUT if you want to look at my full journey, it's available if you click to see the larger map (which is linked right below it).

i should be in state college tomorrow. totally psyched.

this town is shamokin'

i can't help it. the town's name is shamokin. i mean, come on.

unfortunately this town has a really strict library, which doesn't allow me to check my email. lizzzaaaame.

yesterday was cloudy all day, but no rain, thankfully. just cloudy and a cross wind. all day through farm-ville usa. i saw a giant truck spraying poison on a field of trees, which i suppose is why the (fir) trees were all uniformly conical in shape. i felt bad for my lungs and the world. sigh.

last night i stayed in west penn, pa, which is part of tamaqua, which is apparently considered the foothills of the poconos. my couchsurfing hosts were great, served me spinach pies, grape leaves, salad, and fresh from the garden asparagus(!!) which i've never had before. it was so so good. i mean wow. i thought i liked asparagus before. but just wow.

this morning i set off just as it was starting to rain, and it just stopped, at maybe 3:15pm, but i'm not sure it's gonna stay stopped. it rained for reals. a lot. i pulled into the library here as much to dry off as i did to get some computer time in. and you wanna talk gross? rain is one thing, but street spray soaking my legs is totally another. pretty gross. and then that drips down into my shoes, which have become FILLED with water. dirty water. street water. mmmm.

about 30 more miles to go today. and into state college tomorrow to visit neon! wooo!

lehighton, pa

so delaware water gap is a pretty nice town. and there's a church hostel there run by pastor karen. and last year, she gave my hiking partner wookie crap for no reason about when he was leaving (in fact, as he was packing up she acted like he was taking advantage of the stay and told him he HAD to leave..which he was in process of doing). i rode into town last night after an 85 mile ride (my longest yet) to find pastor karen talking with the 4 (not thru-)hikers who were at the hostel for the night, and after greeting me and my telling her we met last year when i thru-hiked and i am now riding my bike to virginia and i'm hoping i can stay the night she got all serious and angry and takes a million deep breaths and basically makes a REAL elaborate show out of telling me 'ok.....but don't tell anyone you were here, we have a lot of trouble with bikers, and this place is for HIKERS, and bikers can just ride themselves to anywhere they might want to go...'

anyway, my point is, some people are awesome. and some people think they're awesome, but are actually just not. i dunno what's her deal. but i stayed the night, hung out with a few hikers, crushed a game of scrabble, and now i'm in lehighton, pa, checking email and having lunch.

crushing it?

i arrived at red hook around 5pm on friday. we went out to dinner friday night, and then played this sweet card/boardish game called "in a pickle" which was totally fun. and then it was the weekend, which was the hottest weekend of life ever. we spent most of our time sitting on the dock out in their pond, talking about how rediculously hot it was, and challenging the red hook community to a vegan food awareness competition. so much fun.


i slept on the raft saturday night, (cowboy camped, if you will) tho not sunday, since there was rain forecasted and heat ligtening on our way home from dinner. which reminds me, sunday night dinner was totally amazing, tho unfortunately i don't remember their name and i've only 5 minutes left on this computer before i'm gonna get the boot.




i spent the last 2 nights in wallkill, ny, couchsurfing. i was planning on only spending one night, but the weather was soooo hot, i couldn't bear to ride my bike out. so my host marcus and his buddy pat and i spent our days at lake minnewaska, actually swimming. it was totally awesome. then last night where we built a fire, and then it started raining. somehow, in the process of building the fire, my phone fell out of my pocket, and then spent the night (in the rain!) outside on the lawn. when i found it this morning, it was just chillin', and only a little wet...but i immediately turned it off, took out the battery, and put it in a bag with some flax seeds to absorb any water that might have gotten inside. did it work, you ask? well, as soon as i get all the flax seeds out of my phone, i'll turn it back on and let you know...i thought i was being so clever :/

and now, i'm being cut short by the port jervis free library internet computer nazi. i'll be in delaware water gap tonight, then onward to state college!

fun in the sun

after i left the greenfield library i was greeted by couchsurfing host zoe (who is getting her phd in medicinal plants) and her housemate, jon (assistant manager to a local organic farm). they served me homemade vegan friendly fare, and i slept on the couch next to the wood stove. oh, luxury!

i awoke to a day that looked beautiful, clearing skies, sun...alas, i was fooled. i travelled 49 miles INTO a serious headwind and rain ALL DAY LONG. i did still get some awesome views, and it really was a beautiful day. i only had to put my rain pants on for the last couple few miles, when the cold wind really picked up. this picture is from hawley, ma, along route 8A. i spent pretty much all day climbing up and up and up along this road, so i could coast the last 5 miles into dalton. i climbed for waaaay longer than 5 miles. but it was totally worth it.

in dalton, i stayed last night with tom lovardi, climbing ever higher in the running for most awesome trail angel ever. i stayed at his house last year when i hiked through the town. he was working in the basement when i arrived (putting in a washer and dryer, no more biking to the laundromat, hiker trash!) and welcomed me into his home, treated me to dinner, and then out to duff & dell's for breakfast this morning. duff & dell's is the most classic corner store/diner ever, where all the old folks from town go every morning for breakfast. i had a peek in the old trail registers from last year. ::nostalgia:: i headed out after breakfast, to sunny skies and 60 degree weather!

i had tom snap a quick pic of me this morning before i left his house. don't worry, i have a helmet, it's over there on that shrub on the right. seriously, it just fell out of my hand and tom put it up there for the photo.

i'm in the hillsdale public library right now, borrowing internet time and enjoying a mid-day break. i have probably close to 30 more miles to go today before i arrive in red hook, to spend the weekend with alissa and mike!

shelburne, ma

"please don't eat us"

officially official?

i feel like my dad, who has so much 'favorite' music that he has to qualify his favorites with terms like, 'all time favorite' and 'all time favorite of all time.' for what it's worth, i'm riding my bike to virginia. and today, for the first time, i'm closer to virginia than i was when i started. that's right. forward progress. i don't know if you know this, but i'm pretty awesome.

today was an uneventful ride, save a small amount of rain. in attempt to not overdo it i've planned frequent overnights and don't have to ride more than 50ish miles any given day, which at this point seems like it may have been an unnecessary step...i left my parent's house after noon today and arrived at my destination by 4pm (2 hrs before i meet with my couchsurfing host).

thank god for the thru-hiking experience, which taught me (oh so well) how to burn time in town as a vagabond. so i'm here at the library (i asked that guy in the street where to find it, he gave me really good directions, thanks guy in the street), which, i would like to go on record as saying, is THE busiest public library i have ever been in. i mean, there are people here. the computers are all full (tho i only had to wait for...like 5 minutes to get on one) and people are reading books and hanging out and talking to each other and...it's bustling, that's what i'm trying to say.

so i'm out of new hampshire. won't be back for at least a month. i'm officially really on this bike trip. but more importantly, i'm officially heading towards my final destination. officially official. it's my all time favorite of all time.

gill, ma

i believe the proper term is, "giddy up"

marlborough, nh

i believe the sign read, "one lane underpass." i was going down this hill, not up, as the picture implies. beyond me (down the hill) is so steep i nearly got off and walked...keep in mind it's dirt, and turns greater than 90 degrees with frequency. luckily there were no cars. why does a road like that even exist?

going crazy

i'm so bothered by the finite nature of life...and everything it contains. i spend so much time focused on the finitude of the things that i do, how without continuity all things are meaningless. i've said it so many times it makes me want to vomit to say it again.

it's not that i believe that nothing is infinite. i belive it's possible that matter or energy could be infinite. i have no evidence to the contrary. and there is somehow an organization to the energy that is within me. and perhaps this energy, the aliveness of being alive, as opposed to the consciousness of being alive, even within a person who certainly will die and is not infinite herself, perhaps this energy is infinite. the problem remains, that i do not associate with this infinite nature. i know through my consciousness, i experience through my senses. but these things are not the livingness of being alive. they are the finite ways our beings are able to experience life.

soo. how do we go about connecting to the livingness of life? how can i associate with my infinite nature? (i heart huckabees, anyone?)

maybe i'll figure that out. and when i do, surely i will have conquered death. or is that when i can stand on my head for three hours? oh i'm so confused.

i think i'm gonna go do some yoga. heading south tomorrow.

nh's on the way to va, right?

how many people have asked me where i'm going, to which i say (truthfully) "initially, virginia" and they say, "when'd you start?" and i say something like, "yesterday," and they say, "where'd you start?" and i say, "boston..." and then i get this look. sometimes, followed by, 'you know you're going the wrong way, right?"

yes, i know new hampshire isn't on the way to virginia from boston. i've actually looked at a map before.


i swear tho, from here, my path will make a lot more sense. granted, i'm going to be spending a couple few days here in dublin shacking up with the parents before heading out again. but i'll definitely be going south-west-ish from now on.


so on arrival to manchester thursday night, instead of a grand welcome, my front tire exploded. yes, exploded. thank god i was pulling into manchester and not in the middle of the wilderness in west virginia. i suppose i should have expected it to happen (after all the trouble it gave me and the worker bees of bike international). it meant i had to walk my bike the last 2ish miles into downtown to the nearest bike store, where i spent at least an hour trying to get the right new tire from their severly limited options.

i eventually worked that out, and $50 and a fair amount of stress later i met up with my couchsurfing host for the evening, had a shower and got some food. peter was a great host; we watched the movie 'holy mountain' which i would happily recommend to anyone who likes abstract film, but not for the conventional minded movie goer.

and then yesterday i rode from manchester to my parents' house in dublin. it's a hilly ride, but i imagine that's something i'm going to want to get used to, seeing as i'll be basically following the appalachian mountain range all the way to virginia.


i passed through the boston university sargent camp, which apparently is going to be shut down due to financial concerns (i don't even know what it is, but i have always seen the sign on the highway). crossing this river made me nostalgic for summer. i wished it was warmer so i could go swimming. of course, there's still snow on the sides of the roads around here.

"worry is the misuse of your imagination"

today makes day 3 of consecutive days biking and actually going somewhere (as opposed to riding back and forthe between the rents' and doug and esther's or loops for training). i spent my first night out at christine's, hanging out with matt and matt and david and her, talking about public policy and regulation. yesterday put me in dover, back at the hospital to catch up with old friends i haven't seen since before my hike. we went out to drinks and dinner, where despite my best efforts i ended up being served non-vegan food. but rather to eat it than to throw it away (next time i'll be much more explicit about my requests). and i spent last night at a "couch surfing" stop in dover, with someone who is from my hometown (mont vernon) and went to my highschool, and travelled to australia and new zealand with me back in 2001. sam, his friend bobby, and i, had a great night with a little too much wine, an unsuccessful attempt at dumpster diving, and great conversation.

i'm sitting now in nottingham, soaking up some sun, after a short (30 min) nap on the square. after i woke up a woman walked by to talk with me about my trip. apparently her daughter is also on a bike tour, down around tennessee and north carolina. i have ot say, people never fail to impress me with their goodwill and desire to share and commune.

tonight i will be couch surfing again in machester, this time not with someone i coincidentally know from the past.

break by the river

newmarket, nh. i used to live here. i miss it, it's beautiful.

going forth

it's such a sexy bike .

tell me it doesn't pay to be a cute girl

i'll tell you you're wrong.

so i went to the bike store to buy my FINAL items (god willing) and they were new tires, new tubes, and a new helmet.

they were all out of tubes. so i had to go to ems, where the cute, boyish, girl behind the counter asks me, "are you a student?" (they have a student discount at ems), to which i say, 'no, i wish,' and she says, 'well, i'll give you the nice person discount, anyway...it's not official, but...'

sweet.

then after getting home and being unable to find my tire levers, and therefore unable to change the old tires out for the new ones, i head back to bike international, where the same mechanic gives me a set of tire levers for free.

sweet.

then i go back home and still completely fail to get the tire changed, because it was so incredibly tight fitting. i bring it and the wheel back to bike international, where not only the same mechanic but also every guy in the shop attempts to put it on for me. and then, when it finally happens, and it turns out the tube is leaking, they take it apart, give me a new tube for free, and put it back together, and never charge me for the at least 30 minutes of labor they put into it.

sweet.

life is suffering

not that i mean to depress anyone. at the request of my brother, new shirts have been born. my final act before venturing forth into the homeless life.

Lunch with the dead

i'm sitting here in the woodlawn cemetery (founded 1730) in acton, mass, near the jonas and brooks families and i have two thoughts:

1. way to go lydia brooks, wife of deacon john brooks... she outlived her husband by 25 years, and then gave herself a bigger headstone. i bet she was awesome. i mean, her husband died in 1777, and she lived to 91 years old. she'd probably had to have been)

2. i think it would be awesome to live in a post-apocalyptic world so i could walk through this graveyard as an archaeologist and dig up all the old dead people's bones and play with them

does that make me crazy?

Plans? We don't need no stinkin' PLANS!!!

"Plans?? We don't need no stinkin' PLANS!!"

i will probably never see the movie that line is originally stolen from, but i HAVE seen UHF, which really ought to be on everyone's must watch list. absolutely a classic.

so i am officially unemployed, which is totally rediculous. not like it's the first time i've ever been unemployed. i was unemployed through much of my college career, and obviously for the 6 months i hiked the AT i had no job, either. but this time i also have nothing really going on. i mean, yes, i have this bike trip which to most people seems to be a pretty major thing going on. but once i get to virginia in a month and a week, i really have no plans.

and even the plans i have to get myself to virginia are so so lax. take for example, my original intention to move out of the dining room today and head up to nh for the next week or so before heading down to the dirty south. i miraculously have discovered an extra week of my life, and realized that there's no urgency for my pulling out. so i've done a little exploring on the old couchsurfing.com (if you don't know it....totally check it out) and now plan to head north this coming tuesday. which means, while i'm already offically unemployed, i'm no longer officially homeless (until tuesday) as originally planned.

so now my plans are simply to ride my bike as much as possible, and have the best good time. that's forever, folks. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of my life.

30 mile sunday loop

52 miles. not bad, but obviously not the full 75 i was hoping for. i made it to new ipswich, nh, where there is a mobil station and a little corner 'market.' i feel incredibly out of shape; i think i tore the crap out of my legs today. as i recall, i never really went though bad muscle soreness hiking (knees and feet, yes) because i was very careful not to overdo the mileage. no, now i reacall doing too much into NOC, but that's the only one i remember. i feel like i'm probably too late already to make that call for myself agin, but luckily i can take the next week off if i want, and my trip that actually starts to christine's isnt nearly so long as 75 miles.

it's chilly and grey. no sun all day long. there is still snow here in the woods, hiding.

in general, tho, besides the current pain in my left knee and my inability to make the over-zealous goal of dublin, i'm really enjoying the ride. very different (obviously) from the walking in the woods, but having a map and options is very fun, and no real guidelines. i'm really looking forward to starting for real.

and also going south to warmer weather.

it's late, and i can't sleep. i'm going on my test ride tomorrow - a max of about 75 miles, if i make it that far, tho who knows if i will...

i've got a lot of stress, mostly dealing with the trip/change in life status i'm imposing upon myself, but there are other issues weighing in, as there always are. i've been thinking about all the time i spend thinking about how i think life is generally meaningless, mostly because i'm convinced i inhabit a godless universe. it seems to lead me to an inherently depressive outlook on life, and a world outlook, too, that doesn't support my life choices, no matter what they may be. in fact, it feels like just making life choices is at odds with the idea that life has no meaning, and this is something that greatly troubles me.

it becomes obvious when i think about other people, how i'm attracted to a carefree, happy-go-lucky quality and an adventuresome spirit. the more i ruminate on life and its purposelessness the less functional i become, the less capable i am of being like the people i admire; instead, there seems to develop a sort of ongoing anxiety about the inevitability and finality of all things.

what i wish i could say is that i'm trying too hard, that i'm just searching for an answer to how i can feel good about living my life, given my understanding of the universe and all things within it. but the reality is i'm NOT trying too hard, i'm not trying at all...i'm just unable (or at least i feel unable) to stop my brain from going to these places any time i make a decision about anything (which, as it turns out, is all the time).

when i was in highschool i remember deciding that, regardless of my belief in a finite reality, no god, no afterlife, etc, i did believe in life itself, as some sort of force beyond what i or anyone, really, understood, and thinking that it permeated beyond the living beings we find it inhabiting. i don't, to this day, know very much about the evolutionary science regarding what LIFE itself actually is, and whether we understand what makes cellular structures alive and dead and create and cycle energy...these things i admit to being ignorant of. this idea that life is a greater force, it doesn't mean there's an afterlife, or reincarnation. and certainly it doesn't allow for the consciousness to continue past death. and that was somewhat troubling to me back in highschool (as it is to this day) because it meant, on the inevitability that i will (and i will) one day die, my consciousness and the only way my life has any awareness and beingness to it will certainly disappear. and this is really where i stared realizing how deeply i wanted to live forever.

but now, years from that highschool self who was realizing the finitude of her consciousness, in light of a continued, extensive, unwaivering faith in the truth of the finite nature of life, i cannot help but find a little comfort in the somewhat mystical lack of understanding that shrouds being alive, in general. if i'm stuck in a consciousness that will inevitably disappear, focusing this conciousness on the fact that it will itself dissolve into nothingness will not ever leave me free from the anxiety of death. the death and the finality and the meaninglessness are going to remain constant. the awesomeness of living and its incomprehensibility will remain, as well. being in awe is a better feeling place than holding onto anxiety.

how weird and crazy that i even have these thoughts that i can't shut off in the first place.

sooner or later i'll write about empathy, and attachements. i wish i were asleep right now.

march is nearly over. soon it will be april, and the next saga will begin. as usual, i'm stressing out about the last minutes, but in general i feel really good. i've been making lots of lists that never seem to to get any items checked off, yet the days are steadily ticking by.

i told deirdre tonight how, in general, i'm very exited, and i really feel like i'm doing the right thing. but some part of me is definitely unsure about the 'indefinite' part of the trip. i have less certainty that i'm going to keep moving after trail days is over, only because i'm afraid of running the money all the way dry. but, at the same time, what i will do to make money and stay in one place is really uncertain. the only things i really know i want to do don't involve makin money (although thankfully they don't really involve spending money, either). i'd like to hike all the 4000 footers in nh, possibly hike or at least finish the long trail. but, of course, what i really want to do is farm. learn about this whole food thing from the roots up. i have no experience in the arena, but it is becoming the thing in my life i am most inspired by. it is, so far as i can see at this point, the only industry where i really would not have compromise any of my idealism through which to make my living. i'm trying (steadily) to convince myself that i'll be ok if i do have to compromise my beliefs/idealism in order to survive and function in this society, but of course it is not so easy to logically undersand t and to actually live it.

in the next couple weeks i have to get myself learned on fixing/maintaining the bike, get a handlebar bag (or not?) and at fvery least rig up some kind of map case for the handlebars, mount the computer, get my kitchen set and make sure my new stove works/rig some kind of potstand and windscreen, and get a bottle in which to transport my alcohol (for the stove), get appropriately sized compression straps for the mounting of my sleeping bag, and make sure i can have the bag be water proof! when mounted, and get the shoes cookie bought for me in my own possession. LONG LIST! that's just the logistic stuff. my itinerary needs a lot of ironing, i need to practice biking/get into better shape, and get mytself more or less moved out of the apartment here so i don't leave behind a lot of loose ends for others to take care of.

video games and empathy

first off, all my life i keep hearing that i'm 'not the type' to like video games. i guess because i'm such a hippie...oh wait. so here's the thing about me and the media:

i'm not that into video entertainment (movies, tv shoes, video games). lately it seems i'm not that into much of anything (...ok so i make an exception for jason mraz) . i realize that the enjoyment they give is fleeting. tho of course, this turns out to be the case for all things (remember that whole food tasting like meaningless existence thing?)...i guess i'm just more accutely aware of it in the case of something designed to shut off your brain and entertain you. and i can't stand being bombarded with advertisements that promote the over-consumption of this culture while doing so, and so i am really opposed to broadcast television (hence, no tv).

in my utopian world where everyone's awesome and responsible and living communally off the land and having the best time, there is no mass media, and all of art in the world is made as personal expression and becomes part of the public domain. soooooooo, no, i'm not behind the mass media machine. and yes i know that video games are a part of this machine. you'd be right if you used that as your basis for why i'm not that type. because in my mind art should be free, i don't much like the idea of having to pay for that shit, and that means i don't often (ever, lately) end up giving my money to that machine (paying to see movies, for example). turns out in the end my life isn't emptier because i abstain from the majority of video media.

of course, none of this means i categorically refuse to partake ("it's best not to be too moral. you cheat yourself out of too much life. aim above morality." thanks, maude). just that, when i'm the one making my own decisions about what i do with my time (which is, generally, always), video media doesn't figure in too much.

but i do enjoy playing video games. they're quite fun, actually, and i'm pretty good at them (ok, so not the fighting ones, i never was into them). back in the day when i was less bothered by the consumptive nature of our society, and owned a tv and used it regularly to fill the void, i prided myself on having owned all of the nintendo systems. the thing is, people used to say back then that i wasn't the 'type' to play video games, too. maybe it's just because i'm a girl. does a uterus mean you can't like video games? maybe it's because i like nature. surely you can't like nature AND video games. i never really understood it myself, because i have always been the kind of person who IS into video games. how can i not be the person i am? stop trying to stereotype me, world!!

and as for empathy, i guess i'll write about it another time.

jake, as an argument for buddhism

my boss' dog, jake, who in his puppyhood was trained as a service dog, used to pick up dropped food off the ground and give it to its rightful owner, with no thought of eating it himself.

he's been spoiled since, fed table scraps, and basically turned into a pretty serious beggar. i cannot tell you how much i think about this behavior change, and how much it speaks to the human condition (my brain never turns off).

jake always wants more. there can be no amount of human food or doggie treats that will satisfy him. (i assume) jake doesn't know this. he doesn't understand that what he desires will leave him empty. is he a happier dog now, having this desire? think about the dog he used to be: never being fed from the table, not knowing how to beg, and therefore never eating human food. was his life less meaningful, less fufilling, than it is now? think how sad for him now, KNOWING what delicious food he could be eating, but clearly, even when he gets it, never being satisfied by it (which statement i base on his undying request for more More MORE human food, no matter what). which one is better off? for me it seems clear: surely, ignorance is bliss.

this is my parable. desire (aka attachments) lead to a lack of fufillment (aka suffering).

let me say, the words are not from my own brain. i love the word attachment, way more than desire. but i don't much care for the word suffering; to me it implies despair, and that's just way too strong. but all the ways i can think of to describe this state of being sound like the words of a depressive. emptiness, meaninglessness, lack of fufillment, suffering.

more on attachments later.

delicious suffering

we talk about life being suffering a lot around here.

i've made it well clear that i don't believe in god, afterlife, or higher purpose. these things are empty to me, they are unreal. and of course this is the crux of the existential godless existence. so i'm not going to reiterate too much, it's kind of boring. i know these thought patterns. i've heard that tape before.

but about suffering. here's how i understand it: life is full of pleasures. there are things that feel good (appeal to our senses), or make us happy, or create pseudo meaning in our meaningless existences. food, comforts, love, sex, and relationships, altruism, intellectualism, etc.

where does suffering come in? i see it as two fold. 1. we suffer when we want and cannot have, or when we lose. and 2. we suffer because these things ultimately leave us unfufilled (maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life). if you think they don't leave you unfufilled, think about eating something delicious and the being content to only ever eat flavorless gruel for the rest of your life. would that one delicious thing have fufilled you? ok, so that's a silly example. what about your life partner? you know they're going to hurt you sometimes, and disappoint you others. and sure, they make you happy a lot, but they're going to die. and so are you. does that feel fufilling?

marin often will say, 'the bigger the front, the bigger the back.' i think it's fair to say, there is at least an equal amount of suffering for the pleasures in all things. and in the end, you die, and it doesn't matter.

so suffering wins. suffering trumps pleasure.

i'd be willing to claim that this is a thought on the backburner, if it even makes burner status at all, for most people, most of the time. but move it up to priority burner levels, and you are in for TROUBLE. tell me how awesome that delicious food tastes now that you're THINKING about how it's not going to satisfy you. does it taste like emptiness? yeah, i thought maybe it did. it probably tastes like meaningless life. most things do.

it's bedtime, but more to follow...

just an update

i went home again this weekend. my parents dog is officially full grown (he has his grown up face), my parents ate vegan dinner to accomodate me and i therefore influenced the world of meat eaters beyond my own contribution, i took my first bike ride of any substance in 5 years (only 15 miles...), i attended a mexican fiesta, and then came home to a dosa luncheon.

all in all, a good weekend, i think.

i officially have now in my posession a touring bike (thanks erik) that will be suitable for my future homeless plans, and i'm getting really excited. it's getting to be crunch time for serious planning/purchasing, since i do have quite a bit of biking gear to acquire before i can actually LIVE off my bike, and i'm beginning the trip in less than one month's time. wow. exciting.

in other news, i seem to have an addictive streak related to the music of jason mraz, whose last two albums, on first listening, really did almost nothing for me, save a couple select songs. but due to insane perserverance (for unknown reasons) on my part, i continue to listen to the entire albums, and now am totally in love with them each in there entirety. one year ago it was his second album (mr a-z), which was the only noise my car emitted for nearly 8 months, to the point where it became the ubiquitous background music of my life for almost the entire year before i hiked the at, and currently it is his latest album (we sing, we dance, we steal things), which has been piped directly into my ears nearly (or maybe more than?) 50% of my waking life the last week or so. am i crazy? i mean, unrelated to my political, economical, social, and emotional views? apparently, yes.

also, i chopped off all my hair. i mean, actually, i didn't chop off the hair, marin's hair dresser did. now i have maybe an average of 2-3 inches of hair all around my head.

don't stereotype me!

i think it turns out i'm not a hippie.

i can't say what you think in reaction to that. there are certainly many people in my life who would say, 'yah, i've been telling you that forever,' and other's who would call bullshit (as esther says, 'if you're not, then what the hell is going on?'). historically, i'd be one to defend my own hippiedom, but i think i'm going to officially change my stance. and here's why:

i love to talk about words, and the evolution of spoken language. i am a firm supporter of the idea that there is no "proper" form of language except the modernly, popularly accepted version. words mean what people use them to mean, not what they used to mean historically, and more importantly, not what you think they SHOULD mean. i want hippie to be a description of my understanding of a movement of the 1960's, a self-actualizing, personal freedom espousing, (what doug called) pacifist anarchism counterculture. sure, they had an aesthetic. sure, they smoked a lot of pot, dropped a lot of acid. yeah, they had their own genre of music, and their own unique style of dancing (the hippie shuffle??). but the aesthetic, the drugs, the "culture," to me they're not the defining characteristic of this movement. as maude would say, they're incidental, not integral. and i get defensive about people using the word hippie to define a fashion style (fashion scarves, patchouli oil, anyone?), or people using the word hippie to define pothead burnouts.

but i mean, what is that? why should i get defensive over a descriptive word? if i'm in the minority with my opinion about what that word means, or at the least that it should be a more exclusive term, then by defending my own hippiedom all i'm doing is making MOST people think i'm something i'm not. the truth is i don't care about the style. i don't wear patchouli oil. i don't even smoke pot. i mean, yeah, i hardly shower, turns out i'm a vegan, obviously i care about nature, and politically i'm so far left i'm starting to loop back around the other side. but that doesn't mean i should stereotype myself.

turns out i'm just me. i'm probably mostly unique (and i don't know if you know this, but i'm pretty awesome, too), and if there are a lot of elements of me that come across as hippie, and if i find a romantic value in the historical movement that was once the hippie counterculture, then that's just a part of me. it doesn't make me a hippie. it doesn't mean i believe in astrology and tarot cards and reincarnation, or that i'm gonna spend my money on patchwork skirts and hemp necklaces, or that i really wanna get effed up and go to that reggae concert and shuffle with my eyes closed...

stereotypes are fun. but, it turns out, they're a little shallow. i'm over it.

but you can still call me a hippie if you want.

filling the void

i stayed in tonight. i was thinking about going dancing, but the rain, cooking vegan shepherd's pie, and trying to save money all conspired against me, and alas, i listen to moby dick on my computer instead of practicing my blues moves.

i've been thinking about what it means to live a life without meaning.

it isn't hard for me to accept that my life has no meaning. i believe it as a matter of course, it's the religion i put my faith in, i know it in my very core. i don't believe in god, i don't believe in a grand design, certainly not a higher purpose. and, perhaps because i was born and raised american, i believe the closest i can get to fulfillment out of this life is to pursue my own happiness with abandon and ferocity. i have been made free, and my freedom wants me to do no other thing; there can be no other nobler activity. yes, this is my american dream.

but the trouble with this mindset is that happiness is at once fulfilling and wholly unsatisfying. as i am convinced that i am damned to a life in which there is no grander purpose, no higher goal to attain, the happiness i acheive at any moment is as fleeting and meaningless as the emptiness i feel in its absence. in their turn each moment will pass, be i happy within it or not, and ultimately i will be rendered back into the earth from whence i arose. such is the fate of the atheist, such is the fate of the existential man.

i find myself ever more acutely aware that each element of my life does little to take my mind away from this somber truth. surely i have been of this belief for the better part of my life. my memory does not afford me a time in which i felt there might perhaps be a higher calling. i have never believed in a meaning to this life. however, historically i have, as most people i suppose do, the ability to distract my mind from the knowledge of this void. i have activities i enjoy, people i love, goals i pursue, even aesthetics that i strive towards. these things give me joy, and this happiness builds the framework for successful living. distracted living. filling the void.

lately, i feel the void is growing. slowly, these momentary pleasures begin to lose their power to distract me from this self awareness. where does this path lead? i can't imagine it's anywhere good. i'm afraid if i lose too much functionality i will be a lost cause...

i think pretty soon i'm going to have to either check myself into a mental institution, or hermitize myself in the wilderness somewhere.