i stayed in tonight. i was thinking about going dancing, but the rain, cooking vegan shepherd's pie, and trying to save money all conspired against me, and alas, i listen to moby dick on my computer instead of practicing my blues moves.
i've been thinking about what it means to live a life without meaning.
it isn't hard for me to accept that my life has no meaning. i believe it as a matter of course, it's the religion i put my faith in, i know it in my very core. i don't believe in god, i don't believe in a grand design, certainly not a higher purpose. and, perhaps because i was born and raised american, i believe the closest i can get to fulfillment out of this life is to pursue my own happiness with abandon and ferocity. i have been made free, and my freedom wants me to do no other thing; there can be no other nobler activity. yes, this is my american dream.
but the trouble with this mindset is that happiness is at once fulfilling and wholly unsatisfying. as i am convinced that i am damned to a life in which there is no grander purpose, no higher goal to attain, the happiness i acheive at any moment is as fleeting and meaningless as the emptiness i feel in its absence. in their turn each moment will pass, be i happy within it or not, and ultimately i will be rendered back into the earth from whence i arose. such is the fate of the atheist, such is the fate of the existential man.
i find myself ever more acutely aware that each element of my life does little to take my mind away from this somber truth. surely i have been of this belief for the better part of my life. my memory does not afford me a time in which i felt there might perhaps be a higher calling. i have never believed in a meaning to this life. however, historically i have, as most people i suppose do, the ability to distract my mind from the knowledge of this void. i have activities i enjoy, people i love, goals i pursue, even aesthetics that i strive towards. these things give me joy, and this happiness builds the framework for successful living. distracted living. filling the void.
lately, i feel the void is growing. slowly, these momentary pleasures begin to lose their power to distract me from this self awareness. where does this path lead? i can't imagine it's anywhere good. i'm afraid if i lose too much functionality i will be a lost cause...
i think pretty soon i'm going to have to either check myself into a mental institution, or hermitize myself in the wilderness somewhere.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
welcome to the weekend
me: "i feel a void"
doug: "can the void be filled by coffee?"
me: "no, definitely not"
doug: "can it be filled by alcohol?"
me: "no, tho that might be fun..."
doug: "can it be filled by spicy delicious food?"
me: "it can only be filled by a belief in the meaning of life"
doug: "oh, that kind of void"
me: "but spicy delicious food will work, in the meantime"
doug: "can the void be filled by coffee?"
me: "no, definitely not"
doug: "can it be filled by alcohol?"
me: "no, tho that might be fun..."
doug: "can it be filled by spicy delicious food?"
me: "it can only be filled by a belief in the meaning of life"
doug: "oh, that kind of void"
me: "but spicy delicious food will work, in the meantime"
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
phase 3 revisited
i'm not so niave. i mean, i understand that a lot of people in my life hear (or read, as the case may be) my words/plans and think i'm going through a phase. a frivolous, youthful, selfish, idealistic phase.
i recognize it's probably true.
but i'm enjoying it. so there.
you see, the more i disconnect from the idea that stuff and things bring me happiness, the more i want to disconnect from the stuff and the things. and really the deeper this desire to disconnect gets, the more overarching it becomes. what is there in my life that doesn't fall into this category? (with a little coaxing) only the necessary elements. only survival. now, granted, a tough life based on scraping by and meeting only my survival needs, that probably won't make me happy. it sounds a bit grueling and not so much like awesome. but certainly a huge amount of paring down can be done before i reach that level.
i mean, is it crazy to ask the question, how long can i survive when my only expense is my phone bill? (please don't ask me about the hypocrisy of maintaining a mobile phone line while paring down my reliance on the man...i know it. this is my reality). ok, so the answer is yes, it is crazy. but does that make it something i shouldn't do? or at least, does that make it a question i shouldn't ask?? i'm not convinced.
this is where you get to shake your head and say, 'she's going through a phase, it'll pass.'
and this is also where i look back at myself 10 years from now and say, 'man, i was crazy when i was younger, huh?'
but i'm ok with that. at least i have enough perspective to realize that's probably the case. i mean, what i'm running with here is a lot more idealism than the kind that doug and i used to search for in our 'find old people who haven't lost their idealism' game (inspired by non other than the [perceived sellout] artist formerly known as cat stevens). i figure, if i start out really extreme, by the time i get old and lose most of my crazy(which i still assume happens to all funtional people as they get old), i'll probably end up at a place that's still crazy enough that it is recognizable as idealism. and hopefully functional enough that i haven't accidentally starved myself to death or gotten locked in jail. not that i'm contemplating anything illegal... i think.
anyway just wanted to be clear. i realize i'm crazy. i accept it as a phase. these things don't make me want to change my mind.
i recognize it's probably true.
but i'm enjoying it. so there.
you see, the more i disconnect from the idea that stuff and things bring me happiness, the more i want to disconnect from the stuff and the things. and really the deeper this desire to disconnect gets, the more overarching it becomes. what is there in my life that doesn't fall into this category? (with a little coaxing) only the necessary elements. only survival. now, granted, a tough life based on scraping by and meeting only my survival needs, that probably won't make me happy. it sounds a bit grueling and not so much like awesome. but certainly a huge amount of paring down can be done before i reach that level.
i mean, is it crazy to ask the question, how long can i survive when my only expense is my phone bill? (please don't ask me about the hypocrisy of maintaining a mobile phone line while paring down my reliance on the man...i know it. this is my reality). ok, so the answer is yes, it is crazy. but does that make it something i shouldn't do? or at least, does that make it a question i shouldn't ask?? i'm not convinced.
this is where you get to shake your head and say, 'she's going through a phase, it'll pass.'
and this is also where i look back at myself 10 years from now and say, 'man, i was crazy when i was younger, huh?'
but i'm ok with that. at least i have enough perspective to realize that's probably the case. i mean, what i'm running with here is a lot more idealism than the kind that doug and i used to search for in our 'find old people who haven't lost their idealism' game (inspired by non other than the [perceived sellout] artist formerly known as cat stevens). i figure, if i start out really extreme, by the time i get old and lose most of my crazy(which i still assume happens to all funtional people as they get old), i'll probably end up at a place that's still crazy enough that it is recognizable as idealism. and hopefully functional enough that i haven't accidentally starved myself to death or gotten locked in jail. not that i'm contemplating anything illegal... i think.
anyway just wanted to be clear. i realize i'm crazy. i accept it as a phase. these things don't make me want to change my mind.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
"empathetic sorry, not apology sorry"
i think i have the flu.
i spent the past week waking up feeling sick and congested and with a nasty sore throat, and then by the evening feeling better. then on saturday instead of feeling better as the day went on, i just kept feeling worse. and sunday...don't even talk to me about sunday. and then monday...terrible. then today?? wow. basically i spent the last 3 days doing nothing but sleeping or trying to sleep.
being sick sucks.
not to mention the whole 'i'm indespensible' element of my job, and my not being really able to take off work without an enormous amount of guilt being laid upon me...which has made me think about what it means to apologize for something.
ultimately, it's a language question. saying you're sorry doesn't mean anything, really, as far as action is concerned. but there are different types of sorry (what on the hike we termed 'empathetic sorry' and 'apology sorry') that mean different things about intention and culpability.
empathetic sorry is pretty easy. i'm sorry, meaning, i know you feel bad, and i don't like it. you know, i empathize with you. it's a way of showing compassion. empathetic sorries usually stem from actions that aren't your fault. i'm sorry...you're sick...you got fired...your pet died...it's raining on your day off...there's no way the words can be misunderstood as an admission of guilt or a request for forgiveness over a wrong doing.
but an apology sorry, it IS like an admission of guilt. generally, we say it to make someone else realize we know we're at fault. the words, really, are meaningless, because, like i said, they require no action. but by saying them we share with the other party (presumably the hurt party) that we know we are in some way resposilble for their bad feelings. it's an important part of a healthy, funtional relationship, to recognize when someone else feels you are at fault, and to be able to take that fault upon yourself genuinely. by owning it, hopefully, you both end up feeling better. it doesn't undo the done thing. but it has value.
there are times, and this i'm willing to throw out that this is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship, when one party feels they deserve an apology sorry and instead of offering it, the other party gives an empathetic sorry. 'i'm not sorry you feel badly,' or more explicitly, 'i'm not sorry for what i did, but i'm sorry you are upset' (how many times have i heard that...wow it doesn't help ever!) which is an empathetic sorry IN PLACE OF an apology sorry. it doesn't own the actions that caused the feelings at all. not to say either party is at fault (i'd venture that in your own mind you always feel like you're in the right in this situation) but it certainly is a sign of a serious emotional disconnect between the two parties. worse, still, like today, there are times when you feel so righteous in your actions or situation that even an empathetic sorry is too much.
my example: 'i'm sorry you feel badly about your day being made a wash by my being sick and therefore not being able to drive you to connecticut' is what was wanted, but really wasn't accurate, and because of this i was unwilling to and did not say it. what i actually feel is, 'i'm not sorry you feel bad, what i am is annoyed that you are looking at me clearly waiting for me to say i'm sorry, when i have actually put myself out significantly just to BE here, and if anything you owe me an apology (and not just an empathetic one, which is all you're offering me) for asking and expecting me to be here today when i'm so under the weather.'
who's at fault? well, from inside my head, which is where i invariably am, i feel justified in my belief. but regardless, i am willing to acknowledge that the situation sucks, and that there is a clear disconnect between the two parties. i would like to say i could be strong enough to put aside my own feelings and give her the apology she clearly wants, if only to assuage her feelings of upset.
buuuuuuuuut...
sometimes i'm not that big of a person. especially when i'm sick.
i spent the past week waking up feeling sick and congested and with a nasty sore throat, and then by the evening feeling better. then on saturday instead of feeling better as the day went on, i just kept feeling worse. and sunday...don't even talk to me about sunday. and then monday...terrible. then today?? wow. basically i spent the last 3 days doing nothing but sleeping or trying to sleep.
being sick sucks.
not to mention the whole 'i'm indespensible' element of my job, and my not being really able to take off work without an enormous amount of guilt being laid upon me...which has made me think about what it means to apologize for something.
ultimately, it's a language question. saying you're sorry doesn't mean anything, really, as far as action is concerned. but there are different types of sorry (what on the hike we termed 'empathetic sorry' and 'apology sorry') that mean different things about intention and culpability.
empathetic sorry is pretty easy. i'm sorry, meaning, i know you feel bad, and i don't like it. you know, i empathize with you. it's a way of showing compassion. empathetic sorries usually stem from actions that aren't your fault. i'm sorry...you're sick...you got fired...your pet died...it's raining on your day off...there's no way the words can be misunderstood as an admission of guilt or a request for forgiveness over a wrong doing.
but an apology sorry, it IS like an admission of guilt. generally, we say it to make someone else realize we know we're at fault. the words, really, are meaningless, because, like i said, they require no action. but by saying them we share with the other party (presumably the hurt party) that we know we are in some way resposilble for their bad feelings. it's an important part of a healthy, funtional relationship, to recognize when someone else feels you are at fault, and to be able to take that fault upon yourself genuinely. by owning it, hopefully, you both end up feeling better. it doesn't undo the done thing. but it has value.
there are times, and this i'm willing to throw out that this is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship, when one party feels they deserve an apology sorry and instead of offering it, the other party gives an empathetic sorry. 'i'm not sorry you feel badly,' or more explicitly, 'i'm not sorry for what i did, but i'm sorry you are upset' (how many times have i heard that...wow it doesn't help ever!) which is an empathetic sorry IN PLACE OF an apology sorry. it doesn't own the actions that caused the feelings at all. not to say either party is at fault (i'd venture that in your own mind you always feel like you're in the right in this situation) but it certainly is a sign of a serious emotional disconnect between the two parties. worse, still, like today, there are times when you feel so righteous in your actions or situation that even an empathetic sorry is too much.
my example: 'i'm sorry you feel badly about your day being made a wash by my being sick and therefore not being able to drive you to connecticut' is what was wanted, but really wasn't accurate, and because of this i was unwilling to and did not say it. what i actually feel is, 'i'm not sorry you feel bad, what i am is annoyed that you are looking at me clearly waiting for me to say i'm sorry, when i have actually put myself out significantly just to BE here, and if anything you owe me an apology (and not just an empathetic one, which is all you're offering me) for asking and expecting me to be here today when i'm so under the weather.'
who's at fault? well, from inside my head, which is where i invariably am, i feel justified in my belief. but regardless, i am willing to acknowledge that the situation sucks, and that there is a clear disconnect between the two parties. i would like to say i could be strong enough to put aside my own feelings and give her the apology she clearly wants, if only to assuage her feelings of upset.
buuuuuuuuut...
sometimes i'm not that big of a person. especially when i'm sick.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
phase 3
vegan living phase 3 begins tomorrow.
spent the better part of tonight looking for things i can do with my time NEXT winter so i don't have to freeze my ass off in new england. and almost sent off some emails to farms down in florida who are looking for volunteers. and i realized...i'm talking about NEXT YEAR. that's a long time from now. like... a YEAR from now.
chances are i can make these things work, get this shit lined up...8 months from now, when it's more reasonable to do so. and, as doug says, worst case scenario...cut my hair and get a real job. i mean, i have to entertain that as a possibility, right??
every time i talk about this stuff (and by this stuff i obviously mean being a complete bum, not having a job and drifting around) i find myself asking (my brother, usually) if my mom is going to flip her shit. dougs says, hopefully not. i've been steadily warming her up to it, right?? by the time she realizes i'm actually a total bum, hopefully she'll have resigned that i'm not a total nut job and i am capable of surviving.
so phase 3 is living (vegan) on the cheap as much as possible. gonna have to cancel that account i have with boston organics, because i really don't need to spend $30 on 'local' organic veggies every week. i can survive on much cheaper oats and rice and potatoes and some couple few other things...hell i practically only eat oats right now as it is (and would be happy to do so). gonna try to drop the budget down from $100/wk to much less, drop my phone plan down to cheaper...and then fly by the seat of my pants, and be a hella bum!
go me.
spent the better part of tonight looking for things i can do with my time NEXT winter so i don't have to freeze my ass off in new england. and almost sent off some emails to farms down in florida who are looking for volunteers. and i realized...i'm talking about NEXT YEAR. that's a long time from now. like... a YEAR from now.
chances are i can make these things work, get this shit lined up...8 months from now, when it's more reasonable to do so. and, as doug says, worst case scenario...cut my hair and get a real job. i mean, i have to entertain that as a possibility, right??
every time i talk about this stuff (and by this stuff i obviously mean being a complete bum, not having a job and drifting around) i find myself asking (my brother, usually) if my mom is going to flip her shit. dougs says, hopefully not. i've been steadily warming her up to it, right?? by the time she realizes i'm actually a total bum, hopefully she'll have resigned that i'm not a total nut job and i am capable of surviving.
so phase 3 is living (vegan) on the cheap as much as possible. gonna have to cancel that account i have with boston organics, because i really don't need to spend $30 on 'local' organic veggies every week. i can survive on much cheaper oats and rice and potatoes and some couple few other things...hell i practically only eat oats right now as it is (and would be happy to do so). gonna try to drop the budget down from $100/wk to much less, drop my phone plan down to cheaper...and then fly by the seat of my pants, and be a hella bum!
go me.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
ti-i-i-ime is on my side
it occurred to me some time after i threw in the proverbial writing towel last night that i never actually managed to get around to why i put that barbara kingsolver quote at the beginning.
so, i'm gonna give it one more try. what i neglected to pull together last night is this:
barbara's point is that we don't get more time by saving time somewhere else. in our lives, time marches ever forward, and we only get so much of it. food prep, when you really do it all, from scratch, it's a lot of effing work. now add to that the time it takes to make your own soap and chop your own fire wood and work your own garden...it's not just a lot of effing work. it's a lot of effing time. it's ALL the time. the beauty of being a part of a local community, a national community, and in some cases (increasingly, and pervasively) a global community, is that no one person, even no one family, is required to do it all. we have people who just make soap. whole industries who provide us with fuel for heating. we take a single role, something small, sometimes (often) even a role that has nothing to do with meeting anyone's actual needs, and in theory we put in our time and we are given the benefits of a complete society.
it's a beautiful system.
but i think there is a point at which this system goes too far. the increasing extent to which our society asks us to fill non-essential roles causes us to forget (both on an individual scale, as well as culturally) what it actually takes to be alive, and what being alive is all about. our lives become over simplified, we expect things quickly, cheaply, simply. we begin to think that life is about saving time, saving money, and saving effort. and ultimately, what do we gain? like i think i managed to say yesterday, there is no greater happiness that comes from this type of living.
the point is, doing these necessary deeds, doing this necessary work, even if society has made it so that it is no longer necessary, it puts you in the moment, and connects you with your needs. in my romantic idealized world, it makes you more aware of the kind of happiness that is real. this place and this time where you are, it is. period. saving time by buying soy milk instead of making your own doesn't make you happier. in fact, learning to make your own soy milk and enjoying the process of making it, and then enjoying the milk as both sustainence and acknowledgement of toil, now that will increase your happiness bar.
learning to be happy and present in the moment, that is true time management. so when i get asked (and i have), why would i want to spend all my time working on things that i can get with no effort through society...like, 'you can't make your own tofu all the time, or you'd spend all your time making tofu,' my response is to ask: what's wrong with that? what's else am i going to do with my time? and why is that...whatever else it might be...why is it better?
what better is there to do on a saturday night than bake bread?
so, i'm gonna give it one more try. what i neglected to pull together last night is this:
barbara's point is that we don't get more time by saving time somewhere else. in our lives, time marches ever forward, and we only get so much of it. food prep, when you really do it all, from scratch, it's a lot of effing work. now add to that the time it takes to make your own soap and chop your own fire wood and work your own garden...it's not just a lot of effing work. it's a lot of effing time. it's ALL the time. the beauty of being a part of a local community, a national community, and in some cases (increasingly, and pervasively) a global community, is that no one person, even no one family, is required to do it all. we have people who just make soap. whole industries who provide us with fuel for heating. we take a single role, something small, sometimes (often) even a role that has nothing to do with meeting anyone's actual needs, and in theory we put in our time and we are given the benefits of a complete society.
it's a beautiful system.
but i think there is a point at which this system goes too far. the increasing extent to which our society asks us to fill non-essential roles causes us to forget (both on an individual scale, as well as culturally) what it actually takes to be alive, and what being alive is all about. our lives become over simplified, we expect things quickly, cheaply, simply. we begin to think that life is about saving time, saving money, and saving effort. and ultimately, what do we gain? like i think i managed to say yesterday, there is no greater happiness that comes from this type of living.
the point is, doing these necessary deeds, doing this necessary work, even if society has made it so that it is no longer necessary, it puts you in the moment, and connects you with your needs. in my romantic idealized world, it makes you more aware of the kind of happiness that is real. this place and this time where you are, it is. period. saving time by buying soy milk instead of making your own doesn't make you happier. in fact, learning to make your own soy milk and enjoying the process of making it, and then enjoying the milk as both sustainence and acknowledgement of toil, now that will increase your happiness bar.
learning to be happy and present in the moment, that is true time management. so when i get asked (and i have), why would i want to spend all my time working on things that i can get with no effort through society...like, 'you can't make your own tofu all the time, or you'd spend all your time making tofu,' my response is to ask: what's wrong with that? what's else am i going to do with my time? and why is that...whatever else it might be...why is it better?
what better is there to do on a saturday night than bake bread?
Saturday, February 7, 2009
+50 happiness points
"all that hurry can blur the truth that life is a zero-sum equation. every minute i save will get used on something else, possibly no more sublime than staring at the newel post trying to remember what i just ran upstairs for. on the other hand, attending to the task in front of me--even a quotidian chore--might make it into part of a good day, rather than just a rock in the road someplace"baking bread tonight. thinking about what i do with my time. where my mind's at. what i want from life. you know, typical saturday night.-barbara kingsolver, animal vegetable miracle
lately i'm pretty convinced i'd like to spend my life working on a farm: a local, small scale, community based organic farm. and then, if i could manage it, have it be an open house for visitors of all sorts...much like a trail hostel, and it would be awesome if it happened to actually BE on the trail. i want to be self supported, little to no infrastructure. it's a bit of a stretch for me, not coming from a farming background, having been raised in a family that never grew a single edible thing, with no actual experience (beyond hiking) with life outside the grid...in other words it's a romantic idea and i don't actually know what i'd be getting myself into, outside of a conceptual understanding, and some limited reading on the subject. but i've had ideas like that before (namely hiking the AT) and they panned out well. i'm not shy of physical labor. and conceptually, it makes me tingle!
the thing is, the hang up is, our society has spent a lot of energy making it so i could remove myself from the necessary elements of staying alive. i don't have to grow my own food, or even know anything about how to cook, in order to eat enough to live my life. i don't have to think about where i get water, or how much of it i use, since it comes out of the tap with minimal effort. there was a lot of work put into making my life be so uncomplicated. i'm supposed to think it's a privilege that i get to spend my life being a secretary, doing a job that literally has no relevance in the grand scheme, and still get all my needs taken care of. so, why don't i? why am i becoming so obsessed with the idea of returning to a less 'developed' state. why is growing my own food so appealing? why do i read about people who live in houses whose walls are made of hay bales and think that's totally awesome and not that it's totally insane? there's a long history behind me of generations of people toiling and building a society so that i wouldn't HAVE to do that... why am i trying to shun it?
it has a lot to do with happiness. that and the meaning of life. simple, right? i mean happiness, in that way that it IS the meaning of life. you know, because i don't believe in god or an afterlife, no, not even a little bit, not at all. so personal happiness in the moment, for me, that IS the meaning of life. and i'm pretty convinced that the frills and infrastructure of modern society don't ultimately increase this kind of happiness. not the big picture kind of happiness. and i'm willing to venture that they might increase the rebound bipolar effect of euphoria... but more importantly, they complicate things. attachments to physical objects make me feel constrained, and i think if you average out all the highs and lows they provide, in the best case you'll be left with some neutral middle. from my perspective, in the best possible scenario, they land you no better than if they didn't exist at all.
of course, there are obvious hypocrisies in what i'm saying. at the surface level there is infrastructure i'm not planning to live without. healthcare, for one...or at least reliable birthcontrol, is a very important element of modern living that make my 'take no more than your share' philosophy achievable. and i don't mean to suggest that i intend to return completely to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle, shun society completely...but if that is not the case, telephones, roads...i have to draw a line somewhere.
which i suppose is where it's important to remember that ultimately it doesn't matter. what i do isn't actually changing the world, and my personal actions are really just for me. i can be as hypocritical as i want, as outside of society as i'm comfortable with being. and for the big picture, whole world contribution, probably there is an equilibrium at which we can settle where we mainly spend our collective time doing what is necessary for living and actually living, and ultimately not much more. that certainly won't happen in my lifetime. certainly it won't happen because of my actions. but maybe in my lifetime i can model some of it. move towards it, and demonstrate its importance...its feasibility in the 'modern,' 'industrial' world. and, really, i think it would make me happy to try. i think it would boost my average contentment in life like, 50 points, at least!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
25 things
this chain mail of sorts has been kicking around on facebook for a while now, and i've been tagged by multiple people. finally got around to filling it out. and forcing my friends to read my blog, at the same time. go me!
1. as a baby i pulled all the hair out of my head on one side. i was mostly bald through much of toddlerhood. people avoided my mother and i in grocery stores, because i looked diseased.
2. i'm lyrically devoted to the music i listen to. i have a terrible memory, but my memory for song lyrics is nothing if not impressive. i cannot listen to a song and not think about the words.
3. in the same vein, i'm acutely aware of voices. in highschool i remember specifically not liking certain gentlemen of the popular persuasion because of their voices, and i have been known to find people sexy for no reason other than their voice.
4. i do not have a favorite color, but i have a least favorite. forest green, the kind that the LL Bean logo is printed in. EW.
5. i really like making things. if i could make everything in my life from absolute scratch, i would. the closer to from scratch the happier i am. the one thing i've always really wanted to make and never have: shoes.
6. disney's "the little mermaid" was released on my birthday twice, when i turned 6 and 16. i saw it for my birthday in the theater twice, on both it's original and 10 yr anniversary releases.
7. i have only been to the west coast twice. once when i was very young, i learned to swim in a hotel pool in southern california, and once on a one night stopover in san francisco on the way to hawaii when i was in highschool
8. i'm a food snob, in a serious way. most devotedly for baked goods, and cheese. i'm also (recently) vegan. which poses serious issues. i'm working on making ammends with myself over that.
9. i spent a summer reupholstering couches for a crazy italian who was contracted through UNH. if you lived in the gables after 2004, chances are i made your couch.
10. i like to eat raw rolled oats. with a little honey and water. cold. and delicious.
11. i'm a fan of the beard. but not the goatee. and definately not the molestache.
12. i do not personally have a tmi meter. but i'm acutely aware of what i perceive as other people's tmi meters, and so have a tendency to withhold certain information. but if you ask, i'll tell (provided you genuinely want to know).
13. when i was less than 4 years old i tried to put old (discarded) house keys into an electical outlet, from largest to smallest. the smallest one JUUUUST barely fit. when my parents moved from that house there was still a soot stain around the outlet cover.
14. i've had stitches twice: once on my lip, which was slashed open on the hearth, and once on my eyebrow, which was smashed by a wooden baseball bat.
15. i briefly tutored statistics in college for athletes. i only took sociology stats once, and had no greater knowledge than that, and was embarrassed to inform my students that i wasn't a stats major...no, i was just a really big nerd.
16. i first started sewing by making clothes for my american girl's doll. she rocked some serious orange and white stripe denim bell bottoms.
17. i really love arcades. pinball is one of my favorites. i'm pretty bad at it, but i really, really love to play. i also love ms. pac man, and tetris. i'm oldschool.
18. i also really love bowling, and specifically candle pin bowling. i own my own bowling shoes. my highest score to date is (i believe) 132. if you're not familiar with candle pin bowling, that's a really good score.
19. i've been making a concerted effort to reduce the amount of "stuff" i own. one of the hardest things to part with: t-shirts.
20. i quit music (piano) lessons at a very young age (7? 8?), and have regretted it for the better part of my life.
21. i write on my computer exclusively on notepad. if the item i am writing needs formatting, i will later copy and paste it into word and format it after it is written.
22. i own a couch, a futon, a dresser, a kitchen cart, a dvd player/vcr, a tv stand, a tv, and a whole lotta kitchen supplies, none of which are currently in my posession.
23. there was a time when i could name the origin, insertion, and action of every skeletal muscle in the human body. i am saddened by the amount of knowledge i lose (and how quickly) when i stop actively studying something
24. i love size, color, alphabet, and pretty much every other form of ordering things. relatedly, i also enjoy putting puzzles together, and coloring mazes.
25. that's how old i am. i feel a lot younger than that, but i'm pretty sure no one feels as old as they actually are, except maybe people under 18.
1. as a baby i pulled all the hair out of my head on one side. i was mostly bald through much of toddlerhood. people avoided my mother and i in grocery stores, because i looked diseased.
2. i'm lyrically devoted to the music i listen to. i have a terrible memory, but my memory for song lyrics is nothing if not impressive. i cannot listen to a song and not think about the words.
3. in the same vein, i'm acutely aware of voices. in highschool i remember specifically not liking certain gentlemen of the popular persuasion because of their voices, and i have been known to find people sexy for no reason other than their voice.
4. i do not have a favorite color, but i have a least favorite. forest green, the kind that the LL Bean logo is printed in. EW.
5. i really like making things. if i could make everything in my life from absolute scratch, i would. the closer to from scratch the happier i am. the one thing i've always really wanted to make and never have: shoes.
6. disney's "the little mermaid" was released on my birthday twice, when i turned 6 and 16. i saw it for my birthday in the theater twice, on both it's original and 10 yr anniversary releases.
7. i have only been to the west coast twice. once when i was very young, i learned to swim in a hotel pool in southern california, and once on a one night stopover in san francisco on the way to hawaii when i was in highschool
8. i'm a food snob, in a serious way. most devotedly for baked goods, and cheese. i'm also (recently) vegan. which poses serious issues. i'm working on making ammends with myself over that.
9. i spent a summer reupholstering couches for a crazy italian who was contracted through UNH. if you lived in the gables after 2004, chances are i made your couch.
10. i like to eat raw rolled oats. with a little honey and water. cold. and delicious.
11. i'm a fan of the beard. but not the goatee. and definately not the molestache.
12. i do not personally have a tmi meter. but i'm acutely aware of what i perceive as other people's tmi meters, and so have a tendency to withhold certain information. but if you ask, i'll tell (provided you genuinely want to know).
13. when i was less than 4 years old i tried to put old (discarded) house keys into an electical outlet, from largest to smallest. the smallest one JUUUUST barely fit. when my parents moved from that house there was still a soot stain around the outlet cover.
14. i've had stitches twice: once on my lip, which was slashed open on the hearth, and once on my eyebrow, which was smashed by a wooden baseball bat.
15. i briefly tutored statistics in college for athletes. i only took sociology stats once, and had no greater knowledge than that, and was embarrassed to inform my students that i wasn't a stats major...no, i was just a really big nerd.
16. i first started sewing by making clothes for my american girl's doll. she rocked some serious orange and white stripe denim bell bottoms.
17. i really love arcades. pinball is one of my favorites. i'm pretty bad at it, but i really, really love to play. i also love ms. pac man, and tetris. i'm oldschool.
18. i also really love bowling, and specifically candle pin bowling. i own my own bowling shoes. my highest score to date is (i believe) 132. if you're not familiar with candle pin bowling, that's a really good score.
19. i've been making a concerted effort to reduce the amount of "stuff" i own. one of the hardest things to part with: t-shirts.
20. i quit music (piano) lessons at a very young age (7? 8?), and have regretted it for the better part of my life.
21. i write on my computer exclusively on notepad. if the item i am writing needs formatting, i will later copy and paste it into word and format it after it is written.
22. i own a couch, a futon, a dresser, a kitchen cart, a dvd player/vcr, a tv stand, a tv, and a whole lotta kitchen supplies, none of which are currently in my posession.
23. there was a time when i could name the origin, insertion, and action of every skeletal muscle in the human body. i am saddened by the amount of knowledge i lose (and how quickly) when i stop actively studying something
24. i love size, color, alphabet, and pretty much every other form of ordering things. relatedly, i also enjoy putting puzzles together, and coloring mazes.
25. that's how old i am. i feel a lot younger than that, but i'm pretty sure no one feels as old as they actually are, except maybe people under 18.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)