we celebrated christmas with the family today. mom flipped the fuck out because i informed her that her pie crust was not vegetarian, to which she replied it didn't matter, and when i told her doug and esther were not going to eat it, or at least doug wouldn't, she flipped the fuck out. said they had salmon for dinner the previous night, and that esther ate meat and that doug wasn't that strict. i said maybe that they weren't in the past, but that really doug was, and esther has changed her ways and now IS, and she says, how am i supposed to know they change the rules when they dont tell me. says is the wrong verb, she was screaming, and she screams, like when esther decided not to change her name after she already did. (which she didn't). and which is unrelated.
i finished cutting the apples i was cutting and went upstairs. i stayed calm, because that's what i do. i am the bigger person because i can be. i told marin when you can do it you should. hold it in and let them use your strength and be that pillar. because they don't know what they are doing. and they need it more than you do. if they didn't, they would be able to keep it cool, too. i have enough for the both of us. and i have to remember that she's not taking a piece of me. i am who i am, i am what i am. it's inside of me, it's unrelated to her flipping the fuck out, or unintentionally abusing me verbally. or my dad totally missing that i'd been hurt and only consoling my mother, and thereby unintentionally hurting me further. i dont lose myself, or give up a piece of myself by letting them take my strength like this.
sometimes it still hurts tho
and it makes me wonder why i do it. what am i trying to prove? what am i going to change, who am i going to help? i'm gonna fucking die, anyway. and so is everyone else. and my experiences will add up to nothing, because i won't even be around to remember them, or to exist as the sum of their parts. the world is so big. and even these little changes, they aren't real. i'm living in a dream land to think that any of it matters, because i dont even know what it would mean if all the world did what i want them to do. so everyone lives righteously, everyone makes the change, no one takes more than what they need, the world lives in harmonious glory and we and all beings live our lives without causing pain or condemning others.
so what? we're all gonna die anyway. every last living being. and sure there will be more. but they will die, too. in the end what does it matter? what am i saving it for? what am i going to solve? if it doesn't even make ME feel good, why am i doing it?
i thought maybe searching for enlightenment is the largest form of existential crisis. it's like, i say, fuck it. to this world. i dont want the future. i dont understand it. i dont know why i'm alive, or more really i dont know what it means that i'm alive. i dont understand what it means to be alive. i dont know why it matters when i wont be alive forever. fuck it. that's my answer to everything.
but it isnt really. it isn't because i'm going to keep doing these things i've decided are right. maybe some day in the future i'll really feel passionate about them again. maybe i'll remember where i found the faith to think they were worth while in the first place. and i'll be glad i've commited myself to these causes. i'll be glad i had the foresight to hold myself up against these forces of arbitration and hollowness.
until then it's gonna be a quiet night and an empty place. this is an empty place, this life. and it's all that i have.
