march is nearly over. soon it will be april, and the next saga will begin. as usual, i'm stressing out about the last minutes, but in general i feel really good. i've been making lots of lists that never seem to to get any items checked off, yet the days are steadily ticking by.

i told deirdre tonight how, in general, i'm very exited, and i really feel like i'm doing the right thing. but some part of me is definitely unsure about the 'indefinite' part of the trip. i have less certainty that i'm going to keep moving after trail days is over, only because i'm afraid of running the money all the way dry. but, at the same time, what i will do to make money and stay in one place is really uncertain. the only things i really know i want to do don't involve makin money (although thankfully they don't really involve spending money, either). i'd like to hike all the 4000 footers in nh, possibly hike or at least finish the long trail. but, of course, what i really want to do is farm. learn about this whole food thing from the roots up. i have no experience in the arena, but it is becoming the thing in my life i am most inspired by. it is, so far as i can see at this point, the only industry where i really would not have compromise any of my idealism through which to make my living. i'm trying (steadily) to convince myself that i'll be ok if i do have to compromise my beliefs/idealism in order to survive and function in this society, but of course it is not so easy to logically undersand t and to actually live it.

in the next couple weeks i have to get myself learned on fixing/maintaining the bike, get a handlebar bag (or not?) and at fvery least rig up some kind of map case for the handlebars, mount the computer, get my kitchen set and make sure my new stove works/rig some kind of potstand and windscreen, and get a bottle in which to transport my alcohol (for the stove), get appropriately sized compression straps for the mounting of my sleeping bag, and make sure i can have the bag be water proof! when mounted, and get the shoes cookie bought for me in my own possession. LONG LIST! that's just the logistic stuff. my itinerary needs a lot of ironing, i need to practice biking/get into better shape, and get mytself more or less moved out of the apartment here so i don't leave behind a lot of loose ends for others to take care of.

video games and empathy

first off, all my life i keep hearing that i'm 'not the type' to like video games. i guess because i'm such a hippie...oh wait. so here's the thing about me and the media:

i'm not that into video entertainment (movies, tv shoes, video games). lately it seems i'm not that into much of anything (...ok so i make an exception for jason mraz) . i realize that the enjoyment they give is fleeting. tho of course, this turns out to be the case for all things (remember that whole food tasting like meaningless existence thing?)...i guess i'm just more accutely aware of it in the case of something designed to shut off your brain and entertain you. and i can't stand being bombarded with advertisements that promote the over-consumption of this culture while doing so, and so i am really opposed to broadcast television (hence, no tv).

in my utopian world where everyone's awesome and responsible and living communally off the land and having the best time, there is no mass media, and all of art in the world is made as personal expression and becomes part of the public domain. soooooooo, no, i'm not behind the mass media machine. and yes i know that video games are a part of this machine. you'd be right if you used that as your basis for why i'm not that type. because in my mind art should be free, i don't much like the idea of having to pay for that shit, and that means i don't often (ever, lately) end up giving my money to that machine (paying to see movies, for example). turns out in the end my life isn't emptier because i abstain from the majority of video media.

of course, none of this means i categorically refuse to partake ("it's best not to be too moral. you cheat yourself out of too much life. aim above morality." thanks, maude). just that, when i'm the one making my own decisions about what i do with my time (which is, generally, always), video media doesn't figure in too much.

but i do enjoy playing video games. they're quite fun, actually, and i'm pretty good at them (ok, so not the fighting ones, i never was into them). back in the day when i was less bothered by the consumptive nature of our society, and owned a tv and used it regularly to fill the void, i prided myself on having owned all of the nintendo systems. the thing is, people used to say back then that i wasn't the 'type' to play video games, too. maybe it's just because i'm a girl. does a uterus mean you can't like video games? maybe it's because i like nature. surely you can't like nature AND video games. i never really understood it myself, because i have always been the kind of person who IS into video games. how can i not be the person i am? stop trying to stereotype me, world!!

and as for empathy, i guess i'll write about it another time.

jake, as an argument for buddhism

my boss' dog, jake, who in his puppyhood was trained as a service dog, used to pick up dropped food off the ground and give it to its rightful owner, with no thought of eating it himself.

he's been spoiled since, fed table scraps, and basically turned into a pretty serious beggar. i cannot tell you how much i think about this behavior change, and how much it speaks to the human condition (my brain never turns off).

jake always wants more. there can be no amount of human food or doggie treats that will satisfy him. (i assume) jake doesn't know this. he doesn't understand that what he desires will leave him empty. is he a happier dog now, having this desire? think about the dog he used to be: never being fed from the table, not knowing how to beg, and therefore never eating human food. was his life less meaningful, less fufilling, than it is now? think how sad for him now, KNOWING what delicious food he could be eating, but clearly, even when he gets it, never being satisfied by it (which statement i base on his undying request for more More MORE human food, no matter what). which one is better off? for me it seems clear: surely, ignorance is bliss.

this is my parable. desire (aka attachments) lead to a lack of fufillment (aka suffering).

let me say, the words are not from my own brain. i love the word attachment, way more than desire. but i don't much care for the word suffering; to me it implies despair, and that's just way too strong. but all the ways i can think of to describe this state of being sound like the words of a depressive. emptiness, meaninglessness, lack of fufillment, suffering.

more on attachments later.

delicious suffering

we talk about life being suffering a lot around here.

i've made it well clear that i don't believe in god, afterlife, or higher purpose. these things are empty to me, they are unreal. and of course this is the crux of the existential godless existence. so i'm not going to reiterate too much, it's kind of boring. i know these thought patterns. i've heard that tape before.

but about suffering. here's how i understand it: life is full of pleasures. there are things that feel good (appeal to our senses), or make us happy, or create pseudo meaning in our meaningless existences. food, comforts, love, sex, and relationships, altruism, intellectualism, etc.

where does suffering come in? i see it as two fold. 1. we suffer when we want and cannot have, or when we lose. and 2. we suffer because these things ultimately leave us unfufilled (maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life). if you think they don't leave you unfufilled, think about eating something delicious and the being content to only ever eat flavorless gruel for the rest of your life. would that one delicious thing have fufilled you? ok, so that's a silly example. what about your life partner? you know they're going to hurt you sometimes, and disappoint you others. and sure, they make you happy a lot, but they're going to die. and so are you. does that feel fufilling?

marin often will say, 'the bigger the front, the bigger the back.' i think it's fair to say, there is at least an equal amount of suffering for the pleasures in all things. and in the end, you die, and it doesn't matter.

so suffering wins. suffering trumps pleasure.

i'd be willing to claim that this is a thought on the backburner, if it even makes burner status at all, for most people, most of the time. but move it up to priority burner levels, and you are in for TROUBLE. tell me how awesome that delicious food tastes now that you're THINKING about how it's not going to satisfy you. does it taste like emptiness? yeah, i thought maybe it did. it probably tastes like meaningless life. most things do.

it's bedtime, but more to follow...

just an update

i went home again this weekend. my parents dog is officially full grown (he has his grown up face), my parents ate vegan dinner to accomodate me and i therefore influenced the world of meat eaters beyond my own contribution, i took my first bike ride of any substance in 5 years (only 15 miles...), i attended a mexican fiesta, and then came home to a dosa luncheon.

all in all, a good weekend, i think.

i officially have now in my posession a touring bike (thanks erik) that will be suitable for my future homeless plans, and i'm getting really excited. it's getting to be crunch time for serious planning/purchasing, since i do have quite a bit of biking gear to acquire before i can actually LIVE off my bike, and i'm beginning the trip in less than one month's time. wow. exciting.

in other news, i seem to have an addictive streak related to the music of jason mraz, whose last two albums, on first listening, really did almost nothing for me, save a couple select songs. but due to insane perserverance (for unknown reasons) on my part, i continue to listen to the entire albums, and now am totally in love with them each in there entirety. one year ago it was his second album (mr a-z), which was the only noise my car emitted for nearly 8 months, to the point where it became the ubiquitous background music of my life for almost the entire year before i hiked the at, and currently it is his latest album (we sing, we dance, we steal things), which has been piped directly into my ears nearly (or maybe more than?) 50% of my waking life the last week or so. am i crazy? i mean, unrelated to my political, economical, social, and emotional views? apparently, yes.

also, i chopped off all my hair. i mean, actually, i didn't chop off the hair, marin's hair dresser did. now i have maybe an average of 2-3 inches of hair all around my head.

don't stereotype me!

i think it turns out i'm not a hippie.

i can't say what you think in reaction to that. there are certainly many people in my life who would say, 'yah, i've been telling you that forever,' and other's who would call bullshit (as esther says, 'if you're not, then what the hell is going on?'). historically, i'd be one to defend my own hippiedom, but i think i'm going to officially change my stance. and here's why:

i love to talk about words, and the evolution of spoken language. i am a firm supporter of the idea that there is no "proper" form of language except the modernly, popularly accepted version. words mean what people use them to mean, not what they used to mean historically, and more importantly, not what you think they SHOULD mean. i want hippie to be a description of my understanding of a movement of the 1960's, a self-actualizing, personal freedom espousing, (what doug called) pacifist anarchism counterculture. sure, they had an aesthetic. sure, they smoked a lot of pot, dropped a lot of acid. yeah, they had their own genre of music, and their own unique style of dancing (the hippie shuffle??). but the aesthetic, the drugs, the "culture," to me they're not the defining characteristic of this movement. as maude would say, they're incidental, not integral. and i get defensive about people using the word hippie to define a fashion style (fashion scarves, patchouli oil, anyone?), or people using the word hippie to define pothead burnouts.

but i mean, what is that? why should i get defensive over a descriptive word? if i'm in the minority with my opinion about what that word means, or at the least that it should be a more exclusive term, then by defending my own hippiedom all i'm doing is making MOST people think i'm something i'm not. the truth is i don't care about the style. i don't wear patchouli oil. i don't even smoke pot. i mean, yeah, i hardly shower, turns out i'm a vegan, obviously i care about nature, and politically i'm so far left i'm starting to loop back around the other side. but that doesn't mean i should stereotype myself.

turns out i'm just me. i'm probably mostly unique (and i don't know if you know this, but i'm pretty awesome, too), and if there are a lot of elements of me that come across as hippie, and if i find a romantic value in the historical movement that was once the hippie counterculture, then that's just a part of me. it doesn't make me a hippie. it doesn't mean i believe in astrology and tarot cards and reincarnation, or that i'm gonna spend my money on patchwork skirts and hemp necklaces, or that i really wanna get effed up and go to that reggae concert and shuffle with my eyes closed...

stereotypes are fun. but, it turns out, they're a little shallow. i'm over it.

but you can still call me a hippie if you want.