"empathetic sorry, not apology sorry"

i think i have the flu.

i spent the past week waking up feeling sick and congested and with a nasty sore throat, and then by the evening feeling better. then on saturday instead of feeling better as the day went on, i just kept feeling worse. and sunday...don't even talk to me about sunday. and then monday...terrible. then today?? wow. basically i spent the last 3 days doing nothing but sleeping or trying to sleep.

being sick sucks.

not to mention the whole 'i'm indespensible' element of my job, and my not being really able to take off work without an enormous amount of guilt being laid upon me...which has made me think about what it means to apologize for something.

ultimately, it's a language question. saying you're sorry doesn't mean anything, really, as far as action is concerned. but there are different types of sorry (what on the hike we termed 'empathetic sorry' and 'apology sorry') that mean different things about intention and culpability.

empathetic sorry is pretty easy. i'm sorry, meaning, i know you feel bad, and i don't like it. you know, i empathize with you. it's a way of showing compassion. empathetic sorries usually stem from actions that aren't your fault. i'm sorry...you're sick...you got fired...your pet died...it's raining on your day off...there's no way the words can be misunderstood as an admission of guilt or a request for forgiveness over a wrong doing.

but an apology sorry, it IS like an admission of guilt. generally, we say it to make someone else realize we know we're at fault. the words, really, are meaningless, because, like i said, they require no action. but by saying them we share with the other party (presumably the hurt party) that we know we are in some way resposilble for their bad feelings. it's an important part of a healthy, funtional relationship, to recognize when someone else feels you are at fault, and to be able to take that fault upon yourself genuinely. by owning it, hopefully, you both end up feeling better. it doesn't undo the done thing. but it has value.

there are times, and this i'm willing to throw out that this is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship, when one party feels they deserve an apology sorry and instead of offering it, the other party gives an empathetic sorry. 'i'm not sorry you feel badly,' or more explicitly, 'i'm not sorry for what i did, but i'm sorry you are upset' (how many times have i heard that...wow it doesn't help ever!) which is an empathetic sorry IN PLACE OF an apology sorry. it doesn't own the actions that caused the feelings at all. not to say either party is at fault (i'd venture that in your own mind you always feel like you're in the right in this situation) but it certainly is a sign of a serious emotional disconnect between the two parties. worse, still, like today, there are times when you feel so righteous in your actions or situation that even an empathetic sorry is too much.

my example: 'i'm sorry you feel badly about your day being made a wash by my being sick and therefore not being able to drive you to connecticut' is what was wanted, but really wasn't accurate, and because of this i was unwilling to and did not say it. what i actually feel is, 'i'm not sorry you feel bad, what i am is annoyed that you are looking at me clearly waiting for me to say i'm sorry, when i have actually put myself out significantly just to BE here, and if anything you owe me an apology (and not just an empathetic one, which is all you're offering me) for asking and expecting me to be here today when i'm so under the weather.'

who's at fault? well, from inside my head, which is where i invariably am, i feel justified in my belief. but regardless, i am willing to acknowledge that the situation sucks, and that there is a clear disconnect between the two parties. i would like to say i could be strong enough to put aside my own feelings and give her the apology she clearly wants, if only to assuage her feelings of upset.

buuuuuuuuut...

sometimes i'm not that big of a person. especially when i'm sick.