filling the void

on a more practical note, i ate squash last night for dinner, as steamed by doug, along with some rice. the night before was spinach, as wilted by me. both were incredibly delicious, and very satisfying. i have not noticed any real changes in my physical being, though i don't really expect to discover sensitivities. it is hard to focus closely on my body's physical state when i am struggling so deeply with more emotional and philosophical issues. i wonder if i DO have a sensitivity, if i will even be able to notice its appearance. tonight i eat kale. i'm looking forward to it.

and, concretely, my feelings about desire for food have developed a bit (thank god), through thinking about my desires for other things. i have historically enjoyed mostly textile based artistic endeavors such are knitting, quilting, upholstery. thinking about how readily i found myself capable of giving them up has lead me to realize, i still find pleasure in their acts, but no desire towards their completion. what i have come up with is that my desire is tied to the creation process. the ways in which i enjoy these elements of my life are always deepened the more fully i am participant, from the very start to finish, of any given task. why, for example, i found a greater joy in clothing when i started sewing my own. why, for example, i have always wanted to raise my own sheep, and spin my own wool. i enjoy being connected to these things entirely, to see processes and partake in them. my desire for (though not my enjoyment of) the process begins to drop, however, when i realize that i have no want for the finished product. i don't actually want a new sweater. i'm sure it would be pretty, but it would add bulk to my life; it is unnecessary. and so, while i can still enjoy the creative, and sometimes the meditative, process of knitting, i don't find myself really WANTING to do it.

but food... cooking... i have to eat. and more directly, i want to eat. i enjoy the end product, and so far no amount of logic or reasoning has been able to help me move beyond this. my instincts are strong, and senses are doing their job well. what is upsetting to me is that i do not find acknowledgment of this adequate. i do not feel, after recognizing that i have an intellectual desire regarding the creation of things and a sensual desire regarding the foods that i consume, that i am content to just live within these desires. i want to understand why! want there to be some sort of meaning behind them, or if there in fact is not, which i am of course the more convinced of, want to be able to divorce myself from them. but i then get trapped in the consuming desire that i deny myself, and the meaninglessness of a life that contains not only no 'greater purpose' but also no hedonistic elements to allow me to ignore the lack of purpose. what does one do with a meaningless life devoid of sensual pleasures? go crazy, of course, or at least from my perspective that seems the obvious path. i'm pretty scared of going that way...and when i say in jest that i am crazy, doing crazy things, i'm only mostly joking. but ceaseless introspection doesn't bode well for generalized sanity, and the further i push myself from the mindless norms that my society has develped for me, the harder i find it to avoid this level of self-contemplation.

i'm cooking rice in squash water, which is proving rather difficult, as the sugars in the squash water are 1. cooking, and caramelizing, and 2. preventing the rice from adequately, or at least as rapidly, absorbing the water. a problem i didn't forsee. breakfast is going to come late today.