filling the void

i'm not always trying to work out my personal philosophy. but usually i am. it's one of the most consistent elements of my life. if ever there was a meaning, the only place i could possibly be convinced it is hiding is in the search itself.

i talked today with brian about the difference between desire and pleasure. and of course this heightened the discourse in my head about the concept as well. most notably, why i find the idea of removal from desire, but acceptance of pleasure, to be ... well, desirable. i guess the main point is, in search for present tense, and an ease and happiness in the now, wanting something you don't currently have is admitting that your current happiness is really not enough. and if that's the case, if you're always working towards some future greater happiness...well, since ultimately you're going to die and it'll all be for naught, it makes the whole concept of life feel that much cheaper, and the lack of meaning all that much harder to take. i think, maybe, in my mental contest of desire removal, i became so covetous of the idea of not covetting, i lost sight of the reality, that now is all i have. i got trapped in the conquest of future greater happiness and felt so overwhelmed by it, and by the ultimate meaninglessness of it all, that i let go of my current happiness in the process... i think people do this all the time, but i was doing it, ironically, mindfully in search of the very thing i was destroying.

for now, to ease my mind and reach some sort of equilibrium that makes me content, i think i have resolved to not push my ability to remove desire beyond what is currently my comfort level, and while i will continue to see that as the best means to contentment in the now, i cannot deny it takes a level of commitment and spiritual development that i simply do not have. not now, anyway, and very possibly not ever.

ultimately, i really want to bake. because i like it that much. i'm especially interested in the idea of learning to bake delicious foods with veganism, and not with using lots of gross things like crisco. i dunno if i'll be able to shake that, anytime, near or far, in the future. of course that doesn't mean i give up on the diet. or scrap the idea of no longer eating processed foods.

tonight i ate quinoa. then i played with quinoa flour and rice flour and water. they are not as awesome as wheat flour. but they are still awesome.