filling the void

change of plans. instead of new food every other day, it's new food every day. still starting with carrots tomorrow, then spinach on wednesday.

had a bit of a ... for lack of a better word, breakdown, today. it was very much harder being at marin's house, surrounded by really awesome tasting foods, and having to make so much of it for her, and not being able to eat anything. tho once i got home and nearly begged doug that we should eat the carrots tonight (of all things to beg someone for, "please!!! let's eat some carrots!!") and he was clearly the stronger party and said no, i started to regain some sense of that he was right. i mean...right...what is right? i have no idea if he's "right." but we made this plan somewhat arbitrarily, and i wanted to break it with just as much arbitration. my problem is that i cannot discern what my motivation is for wanting to eat other foods.

some potentials i have worked out:

i'm hungry.
i'm bored.
i feel a sensation in my stomach that is not hunger, but not normal, either, which i cannot place
i'm covetting sensual stimulation.

and, to break them apart:

i'm hungry: yes, it is true. i find myself feeling hunger quite frequently. but the hunger is ... how shall i say, not starvation. i don't feel like i'm weak with hunger, as i have in the past, most memorably when i was hiking. i usually have a hard time feeling true hunger (as opposed to boredom hunger, or desirous hunger), and while initially i was confident that the hunger i was feeling was a genuine, my stomach is empty, i have fasted long enough to need food kind of hunger, quickly (within 2 days) i have lost this sense of assuredness and am back to feeling incapable of telling the difference. more importantly, i want to say, so you're hungry, so eat. it's not as if you're not allowed to eat! but the reality is i'm hungry for other foods, and i guess because of this i can't tell if it's genuine hunger and brown rice is specifically not satisfying me in some way, or if it's just a desire for other foods that tricks me into thinking i'm hungry and then i arrive at this confusion because i am stuck eating just brown rice.

i'm bored: i spend a lot of time (i'm now finding out) in the kitchen either making or eating food. which plays into boredom two ways. 1, it occupies my time, and prevents me from being bored, and 2, it is what i choose to do when i AM bored. at least on one level i do not like this boredom correlation, because while i'm pretty sure i think preparing food is a fine use of time, eating to fill time is definately not. i find myself less interested in watching movies, even, because the related habit of snacking is less enjoyable, and therefore so the entire experience. the whole boredom thing leads me to much more troubling questions, like, what IS a worthwhile way to spend my time? while i think it's a great concept not to be desireous and, i guess, therefore, go with the flow, it drops me in a lack of initiative that without the right personal or spiritual or whateveral development i find incredibly boring! and i'm not enlightened. i'm not comfortable with having nothing to do! (unless it's what i want, but more often than not it isn't)

an odd stomach sensation: i haven't been able to feel full, in the typical sense. and while i'm not sure about the whole hunger thing (how much of my desire to eat is phsycial versus psychological) i am definately aware of a physical sensation which i do not believe i can definately identify as hunger. it comes and goes, and when it is there, i don't knwo how to interpret it, if i should respond by eating, by eating something ELSE, but it feels food related, and in part at least it makes me feel like i SHOULD be doing something different, not just eating brown rice, because it doesn't feel normal, and by extension not entirely healthy.

covetting sensual stimulation: pure and simple. food tastes good. brown rice is nice. but candy is delish. and in the stead of candy, even carrots are delish. while it is beginning to feel like an impossibility for me to completely divorce food from pleasure, it is still feeling like a significant possibility that i can use this expereince as a means of removing all processed food from my diet. my resolve is obviously strong, and so long as i make the rule hardfast, like being vegetarian or vegan, i think i can certainly do it. and i DO see real definite value in doing so.