filling the void

i ate a carrot tonight. actually i ate almost 2 of them.

during the day today i felt confident resolve in my ability to do this crazy thing. i thought, 'i could go another day, hell, another three, on just brown rice.' my feelings of hunger were more easy to understand, and i had none of that weird physical feeling i couldn't place, but that was definitely rooted in the phsyical. of course, i have no idea if perhaps this confidence was born from the knowledge that i was actually not required to do it any longer, and that that very night (this night) i would, in fact, eat something other than brown rice. tho the thought definately crossed my mind.

more likely i think it is that i have found a significant motivation in the idea of no longer eating processed foods. i think of foods and the way i act as tho i'm addicted to them. i find my own emotions regarding food to be disturbing, and tho i still have these thoughts/emotions, the assuredness with which i find them troubling is a definite step in the right direction. and, regardless of my thoughts, i am proud of my decision to actually act. right now i feel like i did when i became vegan. i remember saying, when i first made the decision to do it, that i was 'trying to be vegan' and that i didn't have much faith in my ability to perservere. at this point i hardly question my ability to veganize (tho i do still question it's ability to sustain me on future endeavors, such are the pct and potentially even the bike trip i have planned for the spring), but i do still have some significant desires still lingering for cheese and more traditional baked goods.

the point i am struggling with most is still the concept of desire, and pleasure's role therein, in general. it is one thing to deny myself, another all together to actually cease feeling desire. denial, although it is difficult emotionally, is actually very easy. obviously it requires strong resolve, but that's easy to come by, at least in the short term. i have to wonder if some part of my subconscious allows me to play this game, in (assumed) recognition that it won't last forever. and yet my conscious is fairly confident in the idea that it will. here is where i find myself sticking. do i really mean to deny myself the known pleasure of eating forever? i realize, in asking myself this, that the answer is no. apparently i DO still want to want it. so what i struggle with is how to partake in pleasure, without giving into the desire that surrounds it.

still working on what it means to walk the middle ground.