in other belated news, the diet has all but completely dissolved. one night last week (i believe it was around the 21st or 22nd) i called doug from trader joe's to see if he wanted me to pick up some clementines, and instead, he tried to coerce me into going to yoma for burmese food. i did not go out to burmese food. but by the end of the night he was on his way out to a bar with esther for belgian beer and fried food of some variety.

before he actually hit up the bar scene we did have a long (LONG) talk about what dissolving the diet meant and what the future of our eating habits would be. i'm not sure how well in keeping with this pattern he has been, but my initial goals have not really changed, i'm more just dropped the restrictions, which at this point were not really serving any purpose, and skipped right to the end of the diet, the hopefully sustainable eating pattern which was the diet's ultimate goal.

basically, i'm eating only whole foods, which means only vegetables, fruits, and seeds that have not been processed, or at the greatest extent of processing been either dried or chopped/pulverized but in all other senses remain untainted. the one exception is for cooking oils, which are acceptable but only if they are garnered through mechanical pressing and not through chemical refining. i can process foods however i wish, once they are in my own possession, so i can make bread from whole wheat flour, or tofu and soy milk from soy beans, should i so desire. and there are exceptions: alcohol, going out to eat, and eating dinner at a friend/relative's house are the ones i'm aware of, tho hypocrisy abound, and there are probably more. going out to eat is to remain a deliberate, intentional act, not one done out of laziness.

what i'm dealing with now, more than the idea of eating a whole foods/restricted diet, is the origins of my food. this has been weighing heavily on me since 1. i'm reading animal, vegetable, miracle, by barbara kingsolver, which is a book about intentionally eating only foods from local sources (mostly homegrown) for an entire 12 month period), and 2. because the additive method of the original diet plan meant eating foods that were significantly out of season and traveled a HUGE long distance to make it into my body (grapefruits from florida every day!! grapefruits are HEAVY!!). i realize it's not possible for me to eat foods only grown in my region (new england in winter isn't exactly abundant with thriving plant life) but there are significant changes i can make in the foods that i eat that will enable me to eat more locally. i'm thinking, specifically:

1. eat seasonal vegetables as the main staples of my diet: which right now means things that winter well, like root vegetables (beets, potatoes, turnips, carrots, onions, garlic) and winter squashes (like pumpkin, butternut, delicata)
2. foods should not have to travel overseas to make it to me, especially when there is a completely adequate substitute available from a more local source: like buying rice that was grown in minnesota instead of buying basmati rice from india, and abstaining from bananas
3. buying in bulk, whenever possible: bulk foods mean less packaging, and fewer hands in the bucket. farmers themselves get more of the money when food is sold and purchased in bulk, and generally some of the savings are passed to the consumer. beans, grains, and flours are all available in bulk local to me here.
4. buying non-local foods in dry form: there are no seasonal or local sources of rice and oats. corn, yes, but not this time of year. so if they have to be shipped, since i DO need grains and beans to survive a winter in new england, they should be in dried form, to reduce their shipping and storing cost. so no canned beans. no canned anything. and no frozen anything, either. not unless i had the foresight to freeze it in my high effeciency freezer from my own harvest last summer (read: i did not).

of course these are just ideas, and they haven't been put into practice, much, yet. they are more just ideas of the direction i want to go, rather than an actual dogmatic practice i'm going to instate. but in keeping with the goal of reducing my own impact as much as possible, it seems the most logical extension of this is to shrink the footprint of my diet. and after having so completely altered my eating habits for the past month, i'm pretty well aware of how easy it will be to survive on the available options i've listed. oil, potato, and onion?? in fact, it sounds like heaven!

officially, obama is the president. old news, i know, but i've been working on writing down my thoughts on the subject since the day it happened, and it's been slow and arduous. here's what i've come up with: listening to his speech on the radio made me rather emotional. as far as politicians go, obama is really a pretty awesome guy. as much as a politician can or has, he totally rocks my world. before i left for the trail i was reading a lot of his...i forget what it was called, but the outline of the things he wanted to change, and feeling really inspired by it. it was the first time i'd ever really WANTED a politician to represent me. i actually felt positive about him, not just a lack of negative. i guess a lot of people felt that way. i'd venture a statement that has no statistical backing that even if he didn't receive an much greater number of votes than other winning candidates in the past, the votes he got were more impassioned by a landslide.

of course, a lot has changed since then. most significantly, a lot has changed in ME since then. and while i still think he's an amazing politician, and i think he is an incredibly capable and competent human being who, within the structure of our government and the representative nature of our political world, i am proud to have represent me, this time, for the first time, when i heard him speak i felt like there was a whole lot wrong.

let me first address what was right: obama has had an immense impact on my ability to think of myself as an american. that, to me, is the most important reason i like him. his opinion about what makes america excellent is grounded, and real; he promotes values that i can get behind, and makes me realize that they ARE, in many ways, the fundamentals of our society. that we DO have a culture, and that it isn't just consumption and greed. he points me to things that actually stand out as american in my mind, and they actually happen to be things i think are part of who i am as a human being. somehow, when he says we value freedom, it means something real to me. when he says we value equality, it means something real to me. when he says we value the pursuit of happiness, it means something real to me. he sees america as a country of people who came together, who united, and worked hard to build a place founded on these things. and he doesn't pay it lip service. he really means it. and when i think about it from that perspective, i really mean it too. these things are real, i care about them, they make me american, and they make me proud of being american. they are ingrained in my psyche; they are very much a part of who i am.

what is wrong, however, goes much deeper for me than what is right. it does not lie in obama (tho he buys into it), and it really doesn't lie in america (tho our country promotes it), either. the wrongness i feel is bigger than either of these, and it is about freedom in a greater sense. essentially, i have been gathering awareness that the whole concept of a political structure strikes me as, at a base level, wrong. that ultimately, freedom, equality, and happiness are best served by organization only a local level, and that small communities of people devoted to sustainability don't ultimately need the organizational structure that is national government, much like healthcare doesn't need and isn't served by the organizational structure that is health insurance, and that these large structures tend to weaken community and degrade humanity and the world we live in. embarrassingly, i think about the notice at t. j. scallywaggles that says, "anarchism is democracy without the politicians," and i think maybe i'm becoming an anarchist... genuine freedom, where everything is FREE, where work means toiling for what you NEED and sharing this with the other members of the community who work together to promote their own sustenance...it make SENSE. where artistic expression and social connection are the main elements of life worth pursuing outside of sustenance, and they are FREE. i love to poke fun at the 'organization' of anarchists and how cute those guys over at tj's are, and i realize that my ideals and the utopia they would create are probably unrealistic and absurd, but deeply, they strike me as appropriate, and actually real.

obama's speech really highlighted this for me in his (what was supposed to be 'inspiring') promotion of the (very american) idea of progress, and growth. we as a country and as a people, perhaps more dramatically than other countries (tho i'm not entirely sure of that) move ever further, every day, away from the realities of what it takes to keep ourselves alive, from our connectedness to the physical world, and towards an artificial comfort and idea of progress that doesn't actually provide greater spiritual, emotional, or health benefits. how does 'growing' the economy actually grow us, as a nation or as a people? how does giving everyone health insurance
actually make us a healthier people? what is hard work, what are freedoms, when they pertain to artificial elements of life, to acquisition of stuff, and time to be bombarded by media and superficial ways of having 'fun'? it's a very hard concept for me to explain because it feels so far reaching and unrealistic... but it also feels very deep and real to me. i'm gonna keep thinking on it. hopefully i won't let it drive me crazy.

but so long as i'm committing myself to being american, and while i find value in espousing my own americanness, and until i really do go crazy and hermitize myself or found a commune and secede from this country...in other words until i really go whole hog...obama's my man. even if i do find myself growing ever more disappointed in this country, and the idea of a country itself, i'm happy to give obama my support and proud to say he's my representative for at least the next four years. and, tho it's certainly belated at this point, happy obama day! the grapefruits are delicious.

last night i got a little manic, which happens from time to time. it's usually at night (i was up late last night going through old paperwork and cleaning my cabinet) when it hits, and then by the time manage to get myself to bed, i awake the next morning i'm stuck in the flip side. it's not so much depression, as it is a blah kind of mellow that makes me a less than agreeable personality. and pretty lethargic and disinterested in the general goings on of everything around me.

as for the diet: today we added barley. the unexpected side effect of adding barley, is that i have researched and now understand the process of malting, and have the welcome potential addition of a sweetener (barley malt syrup) added to my list of available ingredients. not that i've used it yet. but it's available...

doug made barley chapatis tonight, which were 100% delicious, and i'm not just saying that because they were the only 'bread' i've had since starting this diet. totally awesome. basically, flour plus water (enough to make a dough...) kneaded til it's fairly elastic, let to rest for at least 30 mins, rolled very thin (less than 1/8 in) with ample flour to prevent sticking, then cooked on a dry (floured) cast iron skillet for 1 min on each side. we ate them hot with a spinach, kale, and leek pate.

i really like food. and i want to work on a farm. that's what i've decided.

people (not surprisingly) keep asking me why i'm doing this diet. and tho i've tried to pare it down, and offer a simple response, no one seems to be satisfied with this simple version. then when i attempt to explain, in less succinct terms, why i would ever think doing this is a good idea, invariably i get confused responses and generally people think tell me i'm crazy. granted, on some level, this is actually accurate. and i certainly lead into the explanation a bit backwards, making excuses and concessions before i give people a chance to make their own judgements. but, i mean, really, it is kind of crazy. it's pretty far outside the norm, anyway. far enough, that crazy might actually be the right term.

so, why? the simple answer i give is, 'i'm trying to retrain the way that i think about food.' which is accurate. but obviously not adequate. what do i mean when i say retrain'? i guess, for one thing, food associations. i have a lot of them that i would consider unhealthy, and these i would really like to get rid of. the simple example, of course, is watching a movie and wanting to eat while doing so. the less simple, and perhaps less cut and dry examples, being the association between boredom and eating, entertaining and eating, and traveling and eating. at the very least, this process is helping to highlight the relationship between eating and these activities in my life. in general i cannot say if it is absolutely 100% better or worse to deny the associations, but i think it is healthier to understand that there is an association, and to be mindful of the activity of eating as unrelated to sustainence. yeah, i'm already aware of these associations. it doesn't take long of being on a significantly restricted diet before the nature of food in everyday life becomes very readily apparent. but i believe the longer i maintain the restrictions, the more capable i will be of maintaining the mindfullness even when i am allowing myself to 'indulge.'

other things i can think of off the top of my head that are part of why i'm doing this:

1. to better understand the food elements i eat, how they taste and what they can be used for: like how broccoli stems are totally delicious, but i'm not really all that into the florets, and apparently cauliflower is one of my favorite veggies, since i can't seem to stop eating it, raw, or roasted (but definitely not steamed). esther thinks we're using too much salt, but for my family i think that's to be expected (we're all fans of salt, and have been known to eat salt straight, from time to time). i think i'm learning to value the flavors of foods, as opposed to the values of fats and sugars, which appeal to base desires in the appetite. doug and i have been making efforts to eat the food basically plain, or with just the addition of salt, to really engrain the flavors of the foods themselves. additionally, i've been experimenting with different cooking methods of these foods as they are added. it's fun. it consumes most of my time. i like playing with food.

2. to increase variety in my newly vegan diet: really i have a pretty healthy diet. compared to a lot of americans, i eat a ridiculously healthy diet. but when doug and i made the list of all the foods we were going to eat, i realized how limited my ordinary food list is. while i generally eat whole grains rather than refined, and eat more beans and fruits and vegetables than the average joe, i mostly just eat bread, with 'butter,' peanut butter, or hummus. that's really what it comes down to.

3. to think of food as food, as opposed to the processed things we generally eat, and to learn to create food from whole ingredients: i think this one is the one i'm most excited about. In Defense of Food, by michael pollan, has really helped to provide a frame work for my conceptualization of food. not allowing myself to eat anything but whole foods (or whole foods i processed myself) makes it all the more apparent how much i don't do this under normal circumstances. i bake with crisco, since i can't use butter, and i butter my bread with vegan margarine. i eat cereal made by some factory, with vanilla soy milk also made by some factory. i have learned, so far, that the extent to which i have removed myself from the majority of the food processes involved in the foods i consume is really quite startling. after becoming vegan, i immediately began searching for vegan margarines, and looking at the ingredient list only for egg and dairy derivatives, totally disregarding the fact that i had no real idea what several of the 'plant derived' ingredients were, how they were made, or what role they actually played in the food itself. consider, by contrast, that i don't use personal care products (soaps, detergents, shampoos, etc) whose ingredients i do not understand, and basically this means i will only use baking soda, vingear, and pure soaps on my person, but that i was willing to eat soy protein isolate and calcium disodium EDTA... there's a significant level of hypocrisy in there.

i think in short, it comes down to being more directly connected to that which sustains me. food is important. it's VERY important. really, it's the most important thing. when i think about limiting the foods i can eat to those only processed in ways that i actually understand, and that, perhaps, with the right equipment i could do myself, for example replacing hydrogenated vegetable oil (of course trans fat free, but still) with expeller pressed coconut oil, i feel like i'm doing the right thing. it makes sense to me, and (thankfully) it doesn't deny me the ability to make pie crust. when i think about making my own breakfast cereals, trying to emulate the concept of vanilla oat clusters like those in the trader joe's cereal i used to buy, using real oats, evaporated cane juice (or some other natural sweetener i understand), soy milk (homemade, of course) and actual vanilla beans, i feel like i'm doing the right thing. it's a hell of a lot more work, sure. but like i said, food is important.

and, i guess, that's why. and, i guess, given the length and complication of the reason, that's why most people don't get the full answer, and don't understand. it's probably ok that most people think i'm crazy. it's nice to be sure, for my own sake, tho, that i'm not.

work was super frustrating today.

1. i work for a fat dog. and a dog owner who constantly feeds him food scraps. and despite the long talk we had about how the dog needs a diet, he continues to get food scraps, and i continue to be ordered to feed him a lot of food. which, of course, is fine, but then i get asked my opinion about the amount of food, to which my honest reply is, it's too much, he's a fat dog. which, again, is fine. but then i have to sit and listen to justification, how it's not really that much food, how it's ok, don't you think? it's only turkey, it's not fat... etc. which is not fine. it's incredibly frustrating. my opinion isn't going to change. he's fat. you feed him too much. justify it to yourself all you want. but i'm not convinced.

2. my boss forgot to submit the time sheets on time, so there was no money in the pot. and when, instead of apologizing, she suggested that she could pay me half today and half next week, i said, well, i need the money because i'm going away this weekend. and she responds, 'but what about the money you made from before, i mean, you still have that, right?' to which i want to reply, really?? that's so none of your business, i can't even believe you would bring it up. instead, i reply, 'that money's in a savings account, i need it for the future. i never touch old money.' to which i get some comments about how i'm funny...how i forget that i have money, that i don't need Need NEED it this weekend. but, begrudginly, ok, i'll find a way to pay you today, on your payday.

3. legally, the dog is required to wear a leash. i know this, the boss knows this. she trains her helpers to keep the dog off a leash, let him do his thing, and just sort of follow him around when he's walked. i've run into the animal patrol several times. every time they give me shit, stress me out, and threaten to fine me or her. every time i report to marin, and she says some crap about how jake's harmless, and basically should be above the law. not that it's the biggest deal ever, but how frustrating to be put into this situation where i have to risk my own emotional comfort and, even technicnally law-abidingness, in order to do what is asked of me, or in doing what i think is right, directly defy my boss, and face her disappointment and (intentional or not) emotional abuse over the subject.

4. it's effing cold. no, i don't want to walk jake, again. NO. i don't want to. if that's what you're going to ask, then no. i don't want to do it. if you want me to, tell me so. you're my boss. don't ask me if i'll be "ok" in the cold. i know it's not going to kill me. don't ask my opinion how cold it is if you don't actually intend to take it into account. i'm accomodating to you, and you know it, but don't try to guilt me into shit. either tell me to do it, or don't.

how trite, right? but i have such little patience for this sort of shit sometimes. it's so draining to maintain a level of composure when i'm expected to put up with all sorts of shit, and then just hang out and be a friend, also. i'm drained. i'm frustrated. it's effing cold. my skin hurts.

thank god it's the weekend.

wow i really want some tasty food.

not that i haven't been eating tasty food. tonight doug made cabbage soup that was most definitely delicious, which we ate over brown rice with a side of roasted acorn squash.

i mean, if that isn't good food...

but yet, i really do really want some tasty food. i think i'm an addict. i think it's that simple.

unrelatedly, but on my mind: after reading in defense of food, by michael pollan, i find myself thinking more about the relevance of the scientific method as a belief system.

i guess what that means is i want to be able to be cognizant of the idea that science IS a belief system. just like existentialism, or christianity. science isn't inherently right. it doesn't actually prove things. because things can't actually be proven. because what's to prove? how do we know? we created god. we created morals. we created logic. we created science. yeah, we're pretty awesome. but nonetheless, they're all human fabrications.

so i ascribe to the science religion, most of the time. mainly i want to be able to cultivate an awareness that what i'm doing, and what most people i know are doing, is ascribing to a religion. science and logic let me know things, the way that faith let people of christianity know things. of course i think my faith is right, and theirs isn't. but that's how they feel about me, also.

this is a touchy subject for me because it has a lot of implications i dont know i like...for example that as a belief system science gets equal footing in school as, say, christianity...that's scary.

maybe i'm way off base with this. it's just what i'm thinking about.

i'm not always trying to work out my personal philosophy. but usually i am. it's one of the most consistent elements of my life. if ever there was a meaning, the only place i could possibly be convinced it is hiding is in the search itself.

i talked today with brian about the difference between desire and pleasure. and of course this heightened the discourse in my head about the concept as well. most notably, why i find the idea of removal from desire, but acceptance of pleasure, to be ... well, desirable. i guess the main point is, in search for present tense, and an ease and happiness in the now, wanting something you don't currently have is admitting that your current happiness is really not enough. and if that's the case, if you're always working towards some future greater happiness...well, since ultimately you're going to die and it'll all be for naught, it makes the whole concept of life feel that much cheaper, and the lack of meaning all that much harder to take. i think, maybe, in my mental contest of desire removal, i became so covetous of the idea of not covetting, i lost sight of the reality, that now is all i have. i got trapped in the conquest of future greater happiness and felt so overwhelmed by it, and by the ultimate meaninglessness of it all, that i let go of my current happiness in the process... i think people do this all the time, but i was doing it, ironically, mindfully in search of the very thing i was destroying.

for now, to ease my mind and reach some sort of equilibrium that makes me content, i think i have resolved to not push my ability to remove desire beyond what is currently my comfort level, and while i will continue to see that as the best means to contentment in the now, i cannot deny it takes a level of commitment and spiritual development that i simply do not have. not now, anyway, and very possibly not ever.

ultimately, i really want to bake. because i like it that much. i'm especially interested in the idea of learning to bake delicious foods with veganism, and not with using lots of gross things like crisco. i dunno if i'll be able to shake that, anytime, near or far, in the future. of course that doesn't mean i give up on the diet. or scrap the idea of no longer eating processed foods.

tonight i ate quinoa. then i played with quinoa flour and rice flour and water. they are not as awesome as wheat flour. but they are still awesome.